I'M NO LONGER YOUR MUSE (ELI)

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

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connor...

water rained down around him, running down his nose and dripping onto his shirt. red blood ran off of his hands, his face, and his clothes, turning the granite floor of the shower into blood. his eyes stared blankly at the floor around his feet which were stretched out in front of him, and his arms lay limping at his sides. lennox stood over him, frowning in concern down at his brother. He'd heard what connor had done, everyone had, but he didn't understand his brother's current condition. He'd done everything he could think to get Connor's attention, but none of it had worked. Instead, he uncharacteristically sat with his back against the wall of the shower, the water running relentlessly over him as if he didn't even notice it. The blood was filling the bathroom with the smell of iron, and Lennox sniffed at the smell.

"Did you get through to him?" asked Kahlan from the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest and her brow furrowed in concern. Besides Asher, Kahlan was the closest to their oldest brother, and she worried about him. Not knowing how to comfort him bothered her more than anything.

Lennox shook his head with a sigh. "Nothing is working. There's only one thing left I can think to do."

Her eyebrows raised, but she nodded her head. She knew what he was thinking: knew what would get Connor to come out of his comatose state. "Leave him, call her. I'll watch him." With a nod, Lennox left the bathroom and dialed the number on his cellphone, waiting for the ringtone.

Before long, Eli's familiar voice answered the line, and Lennox closed his eyes and sighed. "Eli, I know you don't want to hear from me, but I'm asking you to hear me out," he pleaded, his voice strained from the stress of watching his usually-dynamic brother turn into a zombie. "It's Connor. He's just sitting in the shower, and has been there for hours, and nothing we do can get him out of it. He's just... staring. I know you're not exactly on good terms with our family right now... Do it for me, if not for him? I think you're the only one who can get through to him."

So many thoughts went through Connor's head, yet none of them reached the front of his mind. He felt numb, so numb he didn't even feel the water that ran through his black hair and down his face. The only thought which clung to his consciousness was the image of Eli on the video Victor had foisted on him: her body writhing in pain and agony, screaming about the loss of her baby - his baby. He had been a father, and he'd never known it.

A single tear rolled down Connor's cheek as he stared blankly at the floor. His eyes had glazed over hours ago when he'd switched into that murderous mode that turned him into a machine. He'd brutally murdered the entire crew at the Russian mafia headquarters in Boston, and he barely remembered any of it. The only thing he remembered was the face of the brunette who he'd left alive: the female leader of the Russians. He would kill her. He only wanted her to feel the loss he felt, but he knew she never would. She didn't see her group as her family. She saw them as easily replaceable pawns, and that made her weak.

Although he should be planning his next move, he couldn't. All he could do was sit perfectly still, staring at his feet. Eli had been tortured by those bastards; she'd almost been killed and their child had died in the process. Her screams replayed in his mind, the melody of his torture. He appeared calm on the outside, zombie-like as Lennox described it, but on the inside he was torn through with profound agony. He had betrayed her; he had led her to her death, and she had gone with full confidence in him. It couldn't be any worse unless he'd been the one raping her and brutalizing. Remembering he had, in fact, raped a young Italian girl as a teenager didn't alleviate his guilt.

He was a monster. He hated himself for the first time in his life, and he couldn't forgive his own sins. Betrayal of a man's family was the worst offense he could commit. His father had taught him that from day one - it was what made the Irish mafia unique from their enemies - and he had transgressed that most precious of laws. He was a broken husk of a man, useless to the world, so he would sit in his shower until the blood ran off of his skin and his clothes and he starved to death. It was the only suitable fate for a beast.

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[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; border: #222222 8px solid; background-color: #1f0000; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/light.jpg);] [atrb=width,450] Her patience was wearing thin. This man was not moving. How long could a person be stationary for? This was unheard of. All of Eli's muscles were cramped as she kneeled in position, her sniper rifle trained expertly on the back of his head. But he was supposed to be in another room on the other side of the building by now. She couldn't shoot him here. Too many people could see her in this window. It wasn't safe, and she wasn't willing to risk everything because she was impatient. But this was horrible. She had been here for three hours and he was still just sitting there, doing absolutely nothing but scrolling through porn when he was supposed to be listening to his supervisor. Irritation rippled through her as she realized that this job wasn't going to get done today. She couldn't wait. Swearing under her breath, she gave him five more minutes. And during those five minutes, her cell phone started buzzing in her back pocket. Furrowing her brow as she tried to think of who could be calling her, her mind drifted to Deacon for a moment, but she hurriedly pushed those thoughts away. He wouldn't be calling her. He had no reason to. She had given him her phone number on a whim. He was not going to carry the invitation through. Struggling with her thoughts for a moment, she finally reached behind her and yanked the device out of her pocket. She did a double take when she saw the name. Lennox. What the fuck did he want? She had sworn off that family when Connor had dragged her into that alleyway. She should have sworn off that family since she had been taken by the Russians, and a part of her had. Sighing in frustration, she wondered why in the world he could be calling her. Deciding to not let it go to voicemail, she flipped the basic phone open and held it to her ear. The man was still jollying himself with his porn, so she knew this operation was a bust. "Byrne." Still the professional, even though she was steaming mad, Eli waited until she heard Lennox's familiar voice filling her mind. It was strange how his voice comforted her. He was always the calm one, always the one with the head on his shoulders. It alarmed her even now and she snapped herself out of her daze. No. He was the brother to that lecherous asshole. She would not give in to any of them. As he explained to her what he needed, Eli scoffed out loud. "You need me to help that piece of shit? I hope he fucking drowns like the rat he is." Her Irish accent was thick with rage and she snapped the phone shut without another wood. Lennox could shove that request right up his ass. It was only after she had packed up her gun and the rest of her things that she noticed the strain in Lennox's voice. He had asked her to do this for him. He was asking her to pull the man she hated to the very depths of her soul out of whatever daze he was in. She couldn't do it. She couldn't. He deserved to be in whatever state he was in. He had sent her to her death, he had signed her death warrant. And while he hadn't succeeded in killing her, he had certainly been responsible for the murder of his child. She could not be responsible for saving him when he had ruined her. She was not the same. She didn't even look the same. Eli was thinner than she had ever been and her eyes held nothing but a spiteful hate for everyone she looked at. She hated this world, she hated this life, she hated herself. Hate had consumed her and it was because of him. She would not help the man who had shattered her. That was just not an option. She couldn't even trust that he had cared for her. Why had he even wanted to try a relationship with her in the first place? It was perfectly obvious that it was all a ploy, all an act to get her to trust him. And she had. Like a fool. Cursing herself for her stupidity, she froze as she zipped up her gun bag. But she knew what she was going to do. No matter how much she raged, she was going to go. She was going to go because she was a fucking imbecile. Lennox had asked her to do it for him and he never asked her for anything. He was the only Selwyn brother that she actually liked, that she actually respected a the moment and she couldn't turn him down. Besides, he had sounded truly upset on the phone. Sighing in frustration, she shouldered her bag and hurried down the stairs to the warehouse she had been staked out in. Tomorrow would have to the day that man died. Reaching her motorbike, she shoved her helmet onto her head and got on. Revving the engine to life, she zoomed into traffic, her pace allowing her to reach the Selwyn home in the matter of minutes. She was buzzed into the gate and was soon moving along the driveway at a good clip. She reached the front steps and squealed to a stop, shutting the bike off and kicking the stand up. She was dressed in tight black pants and a tight leather jacket, and she didn't even bother removing her helmet as she strolled into the grand home. Her boots clicked on the tiled floor as she crossed the threshold and when she saw the Selwyn family gathered around whatever shit hole Connor had landed himself in, she paused in front of Lennox. Removing her helmet, her eyes blazed with a fire that only held contempt and hatred. Shoving her black helmet into Lennox's hands, she snapped viciously. "This is for you. I could care less if that fucking piece of shit died in there. I hope you know that. Consider me out of business with the likes of you from here on out. I mean it Selwyn." She stated angrily, ripping her bags from her shoulder and depositing them onto the ground. Giving Kahlan a nod, she pushed past them both, as well as the rather stunned looking Asher, and slammed the bathroom door shut behind her. Locking the door, she unzipped her leather jacket and deposited it on the floor, revealing a simple v-neck black tee. Unclipping all of the guns and the weapons from her body, she also pulled off her shoes and was soon ready as ever to get in that shower with Connor. Memories flashed back to her of the last shower she had shared with him and she doubted it would end like that this time. She knew it wouldn't end like that. Comforted by that fact, she looked down at the man in the shower. Wow he looked awful. She felt no sympathy. Why should she? When she appeared on his door step one year ago she had been in worse shape, and what had he done? Sneered at her and ordered someone else to clean her up off the stairs. Clean the mess. Furrowing her brow, she studied him for a moment, her hands on her hips. How the hell was she supposed to pull him out of this? Grumbling to herself, she spoke up. "Well, fuck me. And fuck you." She stated to Connor and Lennox and Kahlan and Asher, even though only Connor could hear. If he could hear her. Sighing once more, she ignored the water pelting down on her and straddled him, making sure that she kept a hold on his hands so he couldn't reach for any weapons. Sitting on him without really caring if she hurt him, she studied his face. He wouldn't even lift his eyes. Furrowing her brow, worry coursed through her for a moment, and she slowly reached forward to touch his cheek, her other hand resting on his chest. "Connor. Connor, it's me. It's Eli. Do you even know where you fucking are?" Patting his cheek gently, then more firmly, she tried to get him to look at her. "Fuck you Selwyn. Don't you dare think it's okay for you to do this to me. Wake up. Please...for me."

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[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[style=width: 450px; padding: 25px; font-size: 10px; font-family: courier new; line-height: 85%; background-color: #fff; text-transform: uppercase; text-align: justify;]unfortunately - or fortunately depending on how gruesome your image of life was - connor hadn't been careful to hide who he was when he stormed into the russians' headquarters. he marched right in, his eyes blazing with the fury of killing, and he'd blown off the heads of every single one of those bastards like they were target practice. he felt none of it, could feel nothing past the yawning chasm opening in his soul. he'd been heartless for many years, but this was different. this was a gnawing, aching feeling he'd never felt before. it was the feeling of true loss. even when he'd been forced to shoot his own father through the head, he'd never gotten to this point. ultimately, he'd seen that as a task, another job his father had ordered him to do, and he'd been able to forgive himself.

this was different.

he loved eli. he knew that now. he knew that before, but he'd believed love was a weak emotion. when he'd heard her screams on the video - the thought sending a wave of disgust through him as he sat staring emotionlessly at his feet - he'd known he'd done the worst thing imaginable. normal human beings didn't turn their loved ones over to their enemies, knowing they would be tortured near to death. regular people protected their loved ones, held them close and comforted them. connor selwyn delivered his loved ones over to monsters who ate her alive. he was a heartless bastard, and he knew his black heart was too far gone for redemption.

his mind, his body, was numb. the blood ran off of his fingertips, staining into the grout between the stones where he sat. his face had been covered in the red liquid when he'd stumbled into the home he shared with his siblings, and they'd jumped to his aid, believing him mortally wounded. he'd walked right past them all, straight into the shower with his clothes on and sunk down to the floor with the water running over him as it was now. Slowly, it had all begun to wash away, but it was too slow. The water wasn't powerful enough to wash away all of his sins, and he would remain forever stained.

He didn't notice as the door opened once more to admit Eli. Instead, his head shifted slightly as if he was in a dream, seeing her floating through a shining light toward him. He couldn't smile, couldn't speak, so he watched her moving ever closer, her voice blurred and incoherent in his dead ears. How he wanted to touch her golden hair, hold her beautifully sculpted body. How he wanted to be a man worthy of any affection from a woman, especially her. But he wasn't even a man. He was a beast.

Eli, he thought to himself as her face floated in front of his own and he imagined her touching his skin. What have I done to you? What have I turned you into? And myself in the process? That baby didn't deserve to die; I deserve to die. He heard her voice accusing him, Don't you dare think it's okay for you to do this to me, and he nodded slightly. She was right. He had done this to her: formed her into a killing machine, a mechanism of violence and retribution.

He had turned her into himself.

The realization stirred him, and he reached out to her in his dream, his hands going to her golden hair as his eyes gazed, fascinated by the bright tresses. He watched her hair, wet from the water that ran over him in life and in dreams, sliding over his fingertips, and he reveled in the simple image. To be honored to touch something as simple as her hair was to be a man. But he was not a man.

His hand fell to his side as he gazed blankly at her, his ears ringing painfully. "What have I done?" was all he was able to ask as he watched her face cloud in his vision. He was losing her again. He had already lost her, and she would never ben his again. He'd never even had her to begin with, another symptom of his poorly managed existence.

The full pain of his betrayal hit him like a tsunami and he sucked in a hitched breath. "Eli..." he managed, curling forward and still unaware that she was really in front of him, believing it all a dream. "What have I DONE?!" He yelled, his eyes widening as a desperate look came over his face.

"I killed you!" he rambled, barely coherent. His hands went to the sides of her face, daring to touch this angel, and she felt so real. "I killed all of you..." Whether he was talking about the Russians he'd slaughtered, or her soul, or the baby they shared, or perhaps all of it, even he wasn't sure. Pain racked his body, and he doubled over, an incontrollable sensation clenching his throat.

Connor Selwyn was crying.

He grabbed his thighs, holding on to something he felt was real as the tears heated his eyes and fire burned through his head. He sobbed, his stomach tightening and folding him in half. He hadn't cried since he was a toddler, and the sensation was foreign to him because he was out of practice. It was entirely spontaneous, and he couldn't regret how weak it made him look because he was so far gone he couldn't control himself any longer.

He was suddenly a three year old child, curled into a ball in the corner of his room after being reprimanded by his father. He peered over the tops of his knees to see the very man standing in his doorway, and he shrunk farther into the wall. Kyson glided gently toward his son, lowering himself to the carpet without a word. One of his father's big hands - so much bigger and stronger than his own - rested over his, warming his fingers and his heart.

"I dislike getting on to you, son," Kyson amended. Connor didn't speak, unable to voice the hurt he felt for his father reprimanding him. "If there's nothing else I manage to teach you in this life, I want you to remember this one thing."

He shifted his weight and focused on his young son's face, his eyes full of sincerity and a desire to pass at least one hearty lesson on to his progeny.

"Love doesn't make you weak. Love makes us strong, and we must strive to find that love that will edify us and not break us down. We must be worthy of such a love. You can't allow your anger to rule you, for anger will not save you. Only love can be your redemption."

Connor's tear-stained eyes widened as he sat back against the tiled wall and focused on Eli, realizing for the first time - as the cloudiness in his vision cleared - that she was really right in front of him. She was watching him with a weird look in her eyes, and he could hear the water pitter-pattering off of her leather jacket. His hearing was returning after the concussion of the gun blasts in the close quarters of the Russian headquarters began to clear.

"Eli... if you're real..." he began, swallowing heavily and not venturing to touch her this time. It wasn't right; he didn't deserve to touch her. "I love you. I'm a bastard, and a monster, and I love you. I just... I don't deserve to tell you that... I've made love a weak thing, and it's not. You made it strong, and I poisoned it, made it impure."

He swallowed, the last few tears rolling relentlessly down his cheeks. "I killed it just like I killed you."

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[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; border: #222222 8px solid; background-color: #1f0000; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/light.jpg);] [atrb=width,450] How could he be this bad? What had happened that caused him to fall into such a state of disrepair? It didn't make sense to her and she was trying to desperately figure out what could have caused him to go over the edge like this. Furrowing her brow, she looked down into his face, trying to find an injury of some sort that might have made him like this. Fearing that he had a head injury, she was about to reach and inspect his head when panicked filled her. What had he seen? What had he heard? What if it was something that involved her? It couldn't be. Not really. It wasn't like he could have tortured the truth out of someone and she was fairly certain that he knew of everything that had gone on down in that torture chamber that had been her prison for a year. Shaking those horrible thoughts from her mind, she tried focusing on the man before her. The love that she had once felt for him was just a shell. She didn't feel that anymore. She didn't love him. She couldn't love him. Not after what he had done. Not after he had sold her life for his own gains. It had hurt. It had hurt more than she ever wanted to admit. She was just another game piece to him and that had shattered her more than any physical treatment the Russians could bestow upon her. As she sat in the shower on top of him, trying to get him to respond to her somehow, her mind wandered. It brought her from the situation that she was in, as it sometimes did, and she remembered when they had first allowed her to shower. She assumed that it was because of how the water was hitting her now. There had been two men that had showered with her, for they didn't trust her with such an act alone. And of course they had had their way with her, and of course they had helped her clean up afterwards. It was degrading and disgusting and she hadn't had any fight left at that point in time. That was towards the end, right before she escaped. It was then that she knew she had lost the baby, that she had lost her spirit, and that she was completely and utterly broken into a million pieces. Shaking those thoughts from her mind, she looked back down at Connor, hearing his voice and seeing the dazed look covering his expression. What in the world was the matter with him? She had never, ever seen him like this and it threw her. Confusion rippled through her as she tried to put two and two together, but nothing would come. Maybe something had happened to one of his family members, but after a quick inventory, she realized that they had all been gathered outside of the door. Stumped now, she wondered if it was Uncle. Maybe? But would he be this messed up? She didn't think so. Sighing in frustration, she continued sitting on him, her fingers curling into the shirt that was now soaked and sticking to his muscled chest. It was then that his question met her ears and it nearly suffocated her. It had taken her completely by surprise and she nearly panicked. What had he done? She could make a list that was too long to fit on a single sheet of paper. He had killed his child. He had killed Eli's spirt, her soul. He had broken her done until she was just a shell of the woman she had once been. He had made her into this emotionless killing machine that was missing a heart. She held no regrets, no remorse after she killed an individual. She was an assassin through and through and it was because of him. But right now, she could find no bitterness. What was happening to him? This was a man that she had loved. This was a man that she had trusted with her heart even though he had shattered it. She couldn't blame him. She knew what she was getting into from the very beginning. Connor Selwyn didn't do relationships. She should have been prepared, but she almost wished Connor had just put the bullet through her head instead. It would have been easier, less painful then what she had been through. Sighing now, she reached up and brushed her hair out of her face, reaching forward to do the same thing to him. His hair was much longer when it was wet, and she slowly ran her fingers through his hair, combing back and off of his forehead. She could see his eyes better that way, but it didn't bring her any comfort. Right now, this wasn't Connor. She couldn't find him in his eyes. There was nothing there. This thing was lifeless, unreal. She shook her head at his question. "Connor, it's alright. You just have to come back first okay? Then we'll talk." She told him, her voice firm, yet soft. She was reasoning with him, trying to convince him that she'd make it worth his while to come back. She'd talk to him if that was what he desired by the end of this ordeal. She had a feeling that he was going to be a mess though. Her blue eyes took in his form now and she shook her head. When he spoke her name, she perked up but still saw nothing of the man she had once cared so deeply for. She was about to respond, but it was then that he yelled. Instead of flinching away like some coward of a girl, Eli let him run it out, until he grabbed her face. It was a gentle touch, but she could feel the urgency behind it. This was different from what he was doing before, different from when he was touching her hair. He looked like he thought he was dreaming. Bringing her hands up to cover hers, she squeezed in a comforting way, her heart breaking as Connor started doing the one thing that she never thought he would do. Connor Selwyn was sobbing. Heart tearing, gut wrenching, horrible cries. Eli's heart shattered into even more pieces, if that was at all possible. "Oh baby. What have I done to you?" She whispered, not even certain that he'd be able to hear her even if she spoke louder. Oh she had ruined him. Something had happened that concerned her and she was petrified that he had gotten his hands on those tapes. She was no idiot. She knew that the Russians had been video taping her the entire time during her torturing sessions. And she had thought at the time that they would have been sent to Connor to hurry along the process of whatever it was that they were doing. She had been wrong. But now what if he had gotten those movies? Panic gripped her heart and she was trying desperately not to lose herself. He was the one that needed the help now. Even though he hadn't saved her a year ago, she needed to save him now. And she would. She would because even though she didn't want to admit it right now, she still loved him. There was something in her heart that demanded his attention, his love. She would humor it. As he leaned forward, Eli did the only thing that she could think of at the moment. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him closer, still sitting in his lap. Cradling his head against her chest, she kept him close, kept him stable, shaking as he shook. Her own eyes filled with tears as she saw this broken shell of a man. He had been so strong, he had been so proud. She had ruined him. She had turned him into this mess. She would never judge him for this moment. She would never hold it against him. This just proved that they were all human. He had these emotions just like every other person did. He was just better at holding them in. Taking another deep breath, she exhaled slowly, blinking as the water gathered in her eyes. Not taking her arms from around him, she softly, gently, kissed the top of his head before he sat up, his eyes going wide. There he was. There was Connor. Relief ran through her like flood water and she nearly cried out in joy. Oh gosh, she just wanted to reach out and touch him, but she could see the fear and the uncertainty in his eyes. He was just as unsure as she was. Now that she had brought him back, like Lennox had asked her, she should have just walked away. But she couldn't. She couldn't leave him like this. He looked so lost and so alone. He looked like a scared child who was separated from his family. She would not desert him like he had deserted her then. She was not him. Bitterness filled her heart as she remembered all that he had done to her but she refused to let it overthrow. He was a person. He made a mistake, right? She would just call this a mistake. Trying to relax as she sat in his lap, she listened to the words that he spoke to her and her face drained of all color. Shock. That was what hit her now. Had he really just said that? He loved her? Her eyes filled with fear and uncertainty and everything that mirrored what he was showing her. This was terrifying. This was heart wrenching. She didn't know what to think or what to do or say. Was this a game? She was a fool for even thinking that. She just had to look at him now to know that he was absolutely serious. Biting her lower lip, she let him finish before she reached her fingers slowly forward, her fingertips going to gently brush the tears from his eyes, even though they mixed with the water from the shower. She knew that they were there. "Oh Connor." She whispered brokenly, watching him closely. That was it. She couldn't do this. She couldn't stay away from him any longer. Eli hated him. She truly, truly did. She hated a part of this bastard so much that it hurt. However, it hurt ten times more to be away from him and she just couldn't do it. That hate was paired with love and she could not erase it. She didn't want to. "You are a monster. You are a bastard. But God Connor, I love you. I love you and I hate you and I love you. I can't...I c-can't do this without you. I can't BE without you. You haven't killed me. This love can only be pure again if you want it as much as I do. Do you understand?" She spoke breathlessly, easy to hear and decipher above the shower water. She leaned forward now, her hands going to gently hold his face between her hands, making him look at her. He was here. He was back. She could see him. He was scared and broken and devastated, but he was there and that was all that mattered to her. "We need to be very clear Connor. I need to know something. And you don't have to answer now. I need to know if you want me. I need to know if you love me and want me enough to make this work. If you say yes, whenever that may be, then I am yours. I don't know how this is going to work, but I know that what I'm doing now isn't. This is in your hands. Just know that I love you, I have loved you, and I will continue to love you. And that is something that I haven't been able to change. Not since we started whatever it is that we have." She paused now, still cradling his beautiful face in her hands. This man was her one weakness, her one strength, her one love. She couldn't leave him. She didn't want to leave him even though a part of her did detest what he had done to her. Could she forgive him? She wanted to. She desperately wanted to, but it wasn't that simple, it wasn't that easy. He had to show her he was worth her forgiveness. It was simple and easy and fair. Looking at him still, she leaned even closer, her lips brushing against his. "Tell me you want me Connor." She captured his lips in a kiss then, not caring about anything else in the world. She deepened the kiss, her passion and her want for this man erupting because of their closeness, because of how near they were. She was addicted to him and she couldn't stand it. She hated herself for her weakness, but he had to know. They both needed to know how the other felt. Enough of these games, enough of these mysteries. Things had to be known, and they had to be known now.

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[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[style=width: 450px; padding: 25px; font-size: 10px; font-family: courier new; line-height: 85%; background-color: #fff; text-transform: uppercase; text-align: justify;]she told him she loved him and held his face in her hands, and he knew she meant it. but he also saw the emotion coupled with that love in her eyes, and he knew she still hated him. perhaps she always would, and for that he couldn't blame her. he hated himself, and that was even worse than if the whole world hated him for the things he had done. he truly believed her when she said she loved him, but he knew that wasn't the whole story. her blue eyes looked deeply into his green eyes, and he saw the fervent desire for him to be honest with her there. she wanted to forgive him, forgive and forget, but it wasn't that simple. forgiveness for a man so unforgivable didn't come so easily.

she pleaded with him, demanded to know he needed and wanted her, her eyes earnest as she looked deeply into his gaze. his hands rose, resting over hers and sliding down her wrists until he held her face in his hands as well. they cradled one another, attached and detached simultaneously. they were creatures of death and destruction, love and passion. their souls were essentially the same, except he had fallen far lower into the darkness than she had. she was his soulmate; he knew that now as he'd come to realize long before this moment.

when she kissed him, he kissed her back with a hard, desirous kiss. he did want her just as he'd wanted her ever since that first time he'd had her in the kitchen of his massive family estate. even when she'd been thin and frail, recovering from that first attack on her, he'd wanted her then. she was a panther and he was a lion, both predators in need of another to compliment them who couldn't be broken by their predatory strength. he was physically turned on by her kissing him so hotly, the water running over them both and her legs straddling him. his hands ran down her sides until they rested on her hips, and he knew he wanted her right here.

but now was not the time.

when the kiss was finally broken, his forehead rested on hers, and he forced himself to take deep breaths. "i do want you, eli," he whispered roughly. sitting back, he cradled her face in one of his hands, making her look him in the eyes. "but this can't happen this way. i want to fuck you right now, do you understand that?" he asked exasperatedly, frowning slightly. "and it can't be that way! it can't be an endless string of one night stands and fucking in the hallways where no one can see. it can't be this..." he gestured between the two of them, "...thing where neither of us really trusts the other and our desire masks our hate."

with his hands still on her waist, he easily slid his hands around her hips and hoisted her off of his lap, pushing himself up to his feet. pain was in his eyes, not the same pain from the past several hours as he'd sat listlessly staring at the blank wall across from him, but a fresh, raw sort of pain born from a life full of hatred.

"you still hate me; i can see it in your eyes," he continued, watching her. "and it can't be that way. you don't deserve the kind of man who could draw out your love and hatred in the same breath."

bending at the knees, he touched her chin with one finger, always wanting to see her eyes. "i need to be the man you deserve, not the man i am now, this monster. i can't look at you and know, however deep down inside, you hate me for what i did.

"i watched that video, and all i could think was i'd done the same thing to some poor innocent girl. it was my recompense. i earned that torture, but you endured it, and i can't forgive myself for that."

he was silent for a moment, his eyes falling from hers as he rose to his feet once more. "at least not now."

walking past her, he reached the door to the shower and turned off the water, the remaining liquid draining loudly out of the floor and away forever. pausing, he closed his eyes and shook his head almost imperceptibly. "one day, maybe a year or even ten years from now, we can be who we need to be: for both of us. you're my soulmate, eli. nothing will ever change that."

with that, he exited the shower and walked away down the hallway, ignoring his curious siblings as he headed to his room to change out of his soaked clothing.

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YOUR POST WAS SO ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! FEEL FREE TO HATE ME FOR MY MEDIOCRITY. XD