didn't see the light || CONNOR

[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

you're the one that i should never take, but i can't sleep until i devour you - - - - -

she was irritated and this time, it wasn't because of her hormones. she was over the fact that she was fat. she was over the fact that she didn't feel well most mornings and spent half the day in the bathroom. it didn't matter because she was used to it after eight months. her belly was huge, but she knew what it meant. the life inside of her was bringing her back to life, and while now might not be the best of times for that, she couldn't help herself.

she suddenly realized that walking away from connor and giving him space was the last fucking thing that she wanted to do right now.

turning on her heel, she stared at lennox as he sat across from her at the counter in the kitchen. watching him with her heated blue eyes for a moment, she sighed in exasperation. "oh fuck this, lennox. i'm tired of this shit." she stated suddenly, her anger flaring in a way that it hadn't for the past eight months. ever since konstantine had dared to touch her again in that bridal shop, she had lost a part of her fire. it had been dormant until this moment in time, and it had taken connor being a horrific asshole to bring it out of her again. striding across the room, she went into the cabinet, knowing exactly where the gun safe was that they had in the kitchen for emergency situations. opening the safe easily with the combination she knew by heart, she pulled the nine millimeter glock from it's resting place and pushed the button on the side of the handle to release the clip. as it slipped out easily into her hand, she breathed a sigh of relief and walked to lennox, her eyes counting the bullets naturally and easily.

giving him a placid look, she spoke up. "if you hear yelling, or gun shots, don't interfere." she spoke quietly, giving him a small smile before stalking by him, reloading the clip into the gun with a satisfying click. it felt good to have the metal in her hands again and she didn't give a flying fuck if connor didn't want her to have it. he could suck her dick. if she had one, of course. grumbling to herself, she walked down the hallway as quickly as she could with her double in size belly, finding his office door in front of her. pushing it open without knocking, which would surely irritate him, she slammed the door behind her loudly, disrupting anything that he was doing. locking it, she leaned her back against the door and very suddenly, loaded the gun. aiming easily at his desk, which he sat behind, she shot. his phone burst into pieces from the bullet and she lifted her fiery blue eyes to look at him straight in his green eyes.

"let me tell you something, connor selwyn." she spoke out harshly, her words dripping with malice. she hadn't spoken to him like this since before they reconciled and it was welcomed in her mind. it was a relief. she wasn't hormonal, she was furious.

pushing herself up from the door, she stepped forward and to him, right up to where he had stood up from his chair after she shot his phone. without giving him another word, she slapped him soundly across his face, then brought the gun up, whacking him hard over the head with the butt of the handle.

"if you decide to have another fucking hissy fit about your sister and whatever guy she's involved with, whether it be finn or someone else, i'll shoot you myself. and another thing, if you don't get your head out of your ass and stop acting as if you have a vagina, i'm going to shoot you right in your balls so you really have an excuse to act like a bitch."

she finished testily, heatedly, pulling the gun up again and hitting him once more, hard over the head. she was finished with this all. they were growing apart, she could sense it, and she couldn't take it. things needed to change, and if this was what she needed to do, then she would do it.

TEMPLATE BY VIKA OF CAUTION.

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] sitting peacefully with his oreo cookies - a personal vice of his - lennox separated them in to halves, removing the white cream from the middle altogether before dunking each individual cookie into the glass of milk in front of him until it was the perfect softness. discarding the white cream as he went, he sat silently, enjoying himself in a simple deed that he seldom got to enjoy. his silence was interrupted as his future sister-in-law erupted in to the kitchen, angry and swearing. admittedly, he wasn't turned on in the least by a woman who swore so much; that was connor's thing. his brother was weird in his desires, and apparently he liked rough women. eli was certainly in the category, at least as far as lennox was concerned, but he still liked her. she gave connor shit when he needed it, and that was a trait he certainly appreciated. he glanced up impassively at her, his hazel eyes watching her as she retrieved a gun and then double-checked the ammunition before calmly telling him not to interfere if he heard gunshots. shrugging his shoulders, he looked back down at his plate full of cream and cookies and waved her nonchalantly off. "he needs someone to shoot him. i won't be the one to stop you." connor sat behind the desk he hated, staring at the phone he hated, surrounded by the walls he hated. he hated everything about the legalese side of this lifestyle, the technicalities and the paperwork. he despised it to the pit of his soul. and he despised himself. he'd been sinking further and further in to a very dark place from which he wouldn't return. it would kill him. he stared blankly at the papers beneath his fingers on the desk, but he didn't see them. his muscles ached to be free and his fingers itched to touch the trigger of his gun or the hilt of a knife. instead, he was a caged mountain lion, flicking his tail irritatedly and hissing petulantly. all he understood was action, and violence. he'd been raised that way, and although it hadn't been kyson selwyn's initial plan to turn his son into an emotionless killing machine, that was precisely what had happened. by training him to shoot a gun from childhood, keeping him away from his weaker younger brother so that 'weakness' couldn't rub off on him, separating kahlan as far away by sending her to every etiquette class he could find, kyson had secluded connor for his own devices. he had bred out the weakness, leaving a shell that could only hold violence. it was a miserable, empty existence. he lived to kill, and if he wasn't, then he was restless and listless. not to mention love. his pride refused to allow him to love the people around him the way he needed to. he could feel them all slipping away from him. he was supposed to get married in just a few months, and he was supposed to be a father, but he would never be the man his father was. kyson was a different person with a different personality. he had raised a replica of his own brother, kipper, without ever intending to do so. however, connor was more dangerous because, while he had kipper's more-hotheaded personality, he retained a degree of his father's ruthlessness that turned him into a highly successful killer. and that was the one word he found to describe himself: killer. monster, even. that was how he saw himself, through the lens of the evil he'd done in his life. but it was his purpose, it was what his father had taught and ordered him to do. he'd become the monster willingly, shielding the rest of his family from the greater evils in the world by becoming the worst evil out there. in the process, this led to him losing his humanity. the instance with his sister and best friend the other day on the front lawn was evidence enough of that. the time he'd shot finn had been accidental - he'd been in his murderous rage and he saw nothing else when he was like that - but he'd threatened to kill his friend, and this time he hadn't been joking. the fact that he could honestly threaten to kill a man who had been his friend since childhood should have been terrifying, but he felt numb. he didn't feel anything but anger nowadays. suddenly, the door to the office crashed open, and he glanced listlessly up to see eli slam the door behind her, locking him inside with her. he recognized the murderous rage in her eyes as she lifted the gun, and for the briefest of moments he thought she was going to shoot him. he deserved it. he wouldn't fight it. then the phone near his right hand exploded, sending shards of hard plastic flying around the room, one piece slicing across his cheek as he flew and another lodging in the soft tissue of his shoulder. the explosion riled his anger, and he stood so swiftly from his chair that it fell backward with a crash. he rounded the desk as she stepped toward him, his green eyes blazing with anger. she came toward him just as swiftly - very quickly for a pregnant woman, in fact - and a resounding slap vibrated through his jaw. his eyes flashed wildly, taking on that insane glint they got when his anger was mounting so hard and so fast that it was out of control. the gun rose in her other hand, hitting him on his temple and sending a flash of pain through his right eye. not knowing what the sudden cause of her anger was, he instantly assumed it was a mood swing. she'd had a lot of them over the past eight months, and he was tired of it. he knew, deep down, that she couldn't help it, but he hated emotional women. he wasn't lennox who liked criers. hell, lennox liked men, so that was a different matter entirely. but the women connor was used to were his mother and kahlan, neither of which showed much emotion. he got angry with kahlan when she ever showed emotion he didn't approve of, and that seemed to be eli's point as she chided him for getting in to kahlan's business. she hit him with the butt of the gun again, sending another flare of pain through the side of his head, and he'd had enough. violently, he grabbed her wrist and slammed it backward, driving her back in to the wall. twisting her wrist so she would drop the gun, he punched the wall with his free hand so hard it drove a crack in to the plaster. yanking his hand out through the hole, he glared heatedly at her, ignoring the blood blistering up on his knuckles. "so now you want to interfere between me and my sister? stay out of it," he hissed hotly, gripping her wrist and pulling it away from the wall only far enough that he could slam it hard against the sheetrock again. she bitched at him, and he recognized the look in her eyes. somehow he knew this wasn't just another mood swing. she was coherent and like her old self, and while he was irate with her entrance, a small spark within him ignited and was strangely turned on by the whole thing. but he had so much on his plate that he didn't have time to be turned on, and his anger overpowered it. "do you need me to fuck you to show you who has the vagina and who has the dick in this situation, eli?" he snapped angrily. reaching up with his bloody hand, he gripped her chin and glared at her, holding her face similarly to the way he had the day he'd punched finn, but this time it was more forceful and commandeering. she didn't back down from him, and while it irritated him, the desire for her he felt seeped in to his mind. another source of his tension was the lack of a good fuck in his life. since she'd found out she was having twins, and she'd been growing progressively larger day by day, she'd complained about being fat and ugly, and that had led to him becoming a fucking priest. there was a reason he'd never joined the catholic church like his family. he followed his own rules. as his body naturally brushed hers, he felt the bulge of her belly against his flat stomach, and he instantly tensed. he'd made himself an unspoken promise that he would never hurt eli again the way he had when he traded her for a dead end alliance, and he would never hurt her physically by hitting her. he was a violent man, but he wasn't an abuser of women. but here he was with her pinned hard against the wall, and it wasn't only her who was in danger from him. it was their children. a visible shudder radiated up his spine, shaking him as he held her chin roughly in his hand. something flashed behind his eyes, something that hadn't shown itself since the night he'd climbed in to her apartment and asked her to marry him. releasing her suddenly, he pushed himself away from her and her pregnant belly. although he'd never told her, the loss of their first child affected him more than he let on. he had much loss in his life - some of which was self-inflicted - but the loss of such an innocent life, a life that hadn't even officially begun, was sickening to him. it was a vile, wasteful thing. death should have a purpose. he had honor where death was concerned. he didn't kill innocent people unless it was as a necessary side effect to the greater scheme of things. sometimes events required a catalyst. but he wasn't a serial killer. he didn't murder people for the sheer enjoyment of it. at least that was a redeeming factor about him. turning his back on her he went to his desk and leaned against it on his fists, his shoulders rising and falling with panting breaths as he realized how close he'd been to becoming the one thing he never wanted to be. he never wanted to be a man like konstantine who hurt women and killed unborn children. he may be a monster, but he wasn't a beast. "you fucking infuriate me!" he yelled, his voice one decible below a scream as he rounded and faced her once again. "why don't you just leave? get yourself somewhere where you can live without a man who can handle the fucking shit going on in his life." running his hand back through his hair, his green eyes were crazed as he advanced on her again but didn't touch her. "i can't handle all of this shit. and i fucking hate myself for admitting it. i hate myself for loving you, but i can't stop loving you, and i don't want to. and i hate myself so much i don't want to be a father, but i wouldn't surrender it for a moment. "i'm a walking, fucking time bomb, eli, and i'm going to explode in your face and i'm going to hurt you. we both know it." he wanted to tell her he never should have asked her to marry him - that it would have been safer and happier for her if she'd never agreed to be his wife - but he couldn't. he wanted her. he desired her to be his other half. it was a possessive thing, yes, but he didn't want to possess any other woman. he wanted to fill every corner of her, to feel like a part of someone else instead of all of the hollowed out shell of a man he'd become. he wanted to consume her heart and body and soul the way she did his, and he felt so weak and helpless at the idea that someone could steal her away from him at any time. it had happened before; he wasn't jaded enough to believe it wouldn't happen again. "you wanna know why my head is up my ass?" he clarified, planting the palms of his hands on the wall on either side of her shoulders so she couldn't get away from him. "because it's safer for me to cut everyone off so they don't get hurt. i cause pain, eli. i don't cause happiness. you should know that better than anyone by now. i am a fucking monster." his shoulder muscles clenched as his green eyes looked deeply into hers. deep beneath the boiling surface of his consciousness was a timid little boy who had never seen a normal life. impulsively, like a child reaches to touch a snake before he realizes it will bite him and fill him with its poison, he touched the side of her face with his fingers. she was beginning to hate him. it was inevitable. he was losing her, and he didn't know what to do to keep her. but he needed her. he needed to understand how to be like his father, how to balance love and war. his hand slid beneath her jawline and he pulled her mouth to his, his tongue roughly invading her mouth. he kissed her hard and violently, his fingers curling in to the hole he'd punched in the sheetrock while his other hand ran in to her hair and held her face against his. he kissed her until he almost passed out before he released her to catch his breath. "i am a monster and i love you... i need you. i want you as another part of me, but i don't know how to do that. i'm a pathetic, miserable excuse for a man." notes, it's longer than i expected x) word count, *lazy* thanks brooklyn from shine

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[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

you're the one that i should never take, but i can't sleep until i devour you - - - - -

she didn't know what had happened, but something within her had just snapped. she was used to her hormonal imbalances, but this was not it. she was different, yet it was a familiar different. and it was in that moment that she knew that she was like her old self again. it was a self that she missed more than she let on. she hated being a woman who needed to be taken care of, who needed protection. the sheer size of her now made it nearly impossible for her to move around quickly and she was more aware of the touches on her elbows to keep her steady from either connor, or lennox, or any other member of the mafia than she was of anything else. she hated it. he was smothering her, suffocating her. she couldn't do it anymore and she wondered if that was why she had finally cracked.

kahlan and finn had just been her catalyst.

gritting her teeth as she slammed connor's office door behind her, she watched the man in front of her and wondered why she no longer felt the same way about him that she had in the past. she had been devastated to lose him after the russians had taken her. but was she a fool? she knew him. she knew that he couldn't love like a normal person, but neither could she. she had wanted tenderness during her pregnancy, but she had been an idiot. nothing about their relationship was tender. they weren't tender people. they were murderers. they were trained to kill and to hurt and to harm. how in the world did they expect to bring children into this world? for a moment, doubt and regret flickered across her features as she stared at connor as he reacted to the mess she had just created with her gun. she was happy to see that her aim hadn't suffered. she was out of control in a different way than him, but she knew that they both needed to get their shit together. they were going to be parents whether they liked it or not. and now, she suddenly realized, it was going to be up to him if he wanted to raise these kids together or separately.

eli loved connor. she loved him with her entire being, with her entire mind, her body, and her soul. she was his in so many ways but time and time again she felt shorted. she felt like she was the only one giving and she was finished with one sided relationships. she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this man but something had changed deep inside of him, and it was a darkness that eli couldn't even begin to hope to breach. she desperately wanted to help him but he wouldn't allow it. he was too busy being controlling and possessive and he had to have known that it was only going to be a matter of time before she snapped.

she was a free spirit. she always had been. her pregnancy had weakened her significantly and it made her sick just thinking about it. no. she was done needing protection. she was going to take care of herself and he was either going to agree, or he was going to watch her leave. connor needed to solve whatever problems he was having on his own before they even started to think about the problems they were going to have as parents. he couldn't think he was the only one who was scared about having children. he wasn't that moronic. eli had been responsible for the first child that they had created together and she had failed in protecting her. she didn't know if she could keep their babies safe and it terrified her. however, she didn't know if being tortured by the russians allowed her to handle her fear differently. maybe she had finally grown. looking at connor now as he seethed in anger, she knew that he hadn't.

she was leaving him behind in more ways than one, and as he grabbed her wrist forcefully, she stepped back to relieve the pressure from his vice like grip. like always, she handled her pain silently, her eyes flashing in defiance as he slammed her up against the wall. she didn't want him to see her fear, for the fear was not for herself. her mind flew instantly to her pregnancy and she turned her face away from him for a moment as he continued to bend her wrist behind her. it was painful, she couldn't deny it, but she would not cry out. she would not show him weakness. she was finished. instead, she brought her furious blue eyes up to meet his green, watching him with a strength that she hadn't possessed since before his proposal. "take your hands off of me." it wasn't a request. it was a demand. it was one he wouldn't answer, but the very idea of her wanting him not touching her would be planted in his mind. she was surprised at how sick his touch made her in this very moment, and she felt absolutely horrendous as he punched the wall beside her head.

as he spoke to her, his voice rude and powerful, she scoffed in his face, not moving her gaze away from him, constantly challenging him in a way that she hadn't in almost a year. "no connor. it's very clear as to who's the pussy in this situation. you won't be so lucky." the very thought of him having sex with her now sickened and infuriated her, and she brought her other hand up, which was still free because he was too busy destroying the place, she elbowed him hard under his chin, wanting to make him pay for the pain he was bestowing upon her. she could handle it, even in her massively pregnant state but it didn't mean that she liked it. while it would have turned her on in the past, she wanted nothing to do with him until he figured out what was going on in his head. if he refused to let her help then she would truly leave him on his own. her action didn't go unheeded however, for she was suddenly aware of his hard grip on her chin, making her look at him even though she wouldn't have taken her eyes off of him in the first place.

her eyes glinted with malice as he stared at her with his hard green eyes, and she tried to defiantly yank her face from his grip. gritting her teeth, she put her hand on his chest, pushing him, but he was much bigger than her, much stronger than her. he wouldn't budge and that infuriated her. "let go." she ordered him, but to no avail. she wasn't afraid of him, she never had been. it was obvious that she didn't fear him and while it had pissed him off in the past, she wondered what it did to him now. pushing him harder, when he didn't respond, she gave up, her hand still on his chest, feeling his heart beat. this was getting out of hand. it was getting ridiculous. she should have just shot him in the leg.

and then he let her go.

he saw the flash of something indescribable in his eyes, but she couldn't get a long enough look at it, for he turned away from her. as he leaned on his desk, she suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable, feeling a pressure build within her that she couldn't explain. feeling sick, she wondered if it was just the stress of the situation. for some reason, her forehead was starting to break out into a light sweat, and as his back was to her, she brushed it away stubbornly, not wanting to embarrass herself by showing any reaction at all. feeling clammy, she ignored her own symptoms and eyed him as he turned around to face her, ranting about things that she needed to hear but didn't want to hear, but wanted to hear at the same time. it was entirely confusing, but she didn't take her eyes off of him. she never did when he was talking to her, not even when he was advancing on her. hearing his words, she narrowed her eyes, offended, angry, but not hurt. "what is sounds like, is that you need to get your shit together. and the main part of your confusion is me. i'm supposed to be your partner, eventually, and i'll make the intelligent, most obvious decision for you connor."

what she was about to do was going to upset her more than she would ever admit, but he needed it. she was confusing him, she was making his life ten times harder with just being in front of him. it was as clear as day.

however, she didn't get to tell him what she had decided yet, for as he leaned his palms on either side of her on the wall behind her, she didn't have an escape. eli didn't want to do this unless she could leave hastily because she didn't know how he was going to react. again, she wasn't afraid, but she wouldn't allow him to force her to stay here. biting the inside of her lower lip, she let out a slow, quiet breath, watching him as he spoke, asking her if she really wanted to know. hearing his explanation, she stared at him stoically, her mind formulating an answer before she could honestly think it through. "you cause you pain, connor. no one else hurts because of you. you are a monster because you refuse to see yourself any differently, and until you can, i am of no use to you. you're so blinded by your failures, by your shortcomings, that you will never allow yourself grow, to change. there's always an excuse as to why you can't be different, but have you ever truly tried?" she finished intelligently, watching him, regarding him cooly. she was smart, she knew him. she just never spoke her mind often enough anymore and she supposed that she had allowed this behavior to go on for far too long.

she took a deep breath in that instant, about to go on, until he touched her. lifting her eyes from his lips to his own gaze, watching him with adoration in her eyes. it was apparent, it was clear. he could see it, he would see it. she loved him, there was no doubting that. but she could not love the man he was allowing himself to become without even trying to overcome himself. she was just as tired as he was, for different reasons. while she couldn't understand what he was going through, he didn't allow her the chance to help him. they were supposed to work together and until he could figure out how to let that happen, they could never be. their marriage would be a useless, pointless waste. she would feel more like his prisoner than his wife because of his protective, possessive nature, and she refused to ever feel like there was no escape ever again. not after the russians.

a flash of pain traveled across her stomach for a moment, but she ignored it stubbornly. she had the pains sometimes. it was acceptable. she just wished the feverish feeling would leave her, not realizing how pale her face was slowly becoming. but before she could announced that she was leaving, his hands were on her and he was pulling her into him for a kiss that she had not expected. the surprise of it threw her challenging ways, and she kissed him back, just as hard as he was kissing her. meeting his tongue with her own, she kissed him, knowing that there was still so much more that had to be worked through, but not caring in this instant. and when he pulled away, eli opened her eyes slowly, gazing up into the eyes of the man she never wanted to be without. but she had to be strong for him. this was the way that she had to deal with what was going on with him now. hesitating as he spoke to her, she looked down at her hands, breaking eye contact with him for the first time, her anger igniting once more.

"you are an idiot, connor. you're pathetic because you can only see yourself for how you want to see yourself." shaking her head, she kept her eyes on her hands, her right fingers reaching for the ring that had been wrapped permanently around her left ring finger. she began working the silver band free from its hold, her heart lurching as she caught sight of the gentle tan line that had been created by the band. ignoring the pull at her heart, she finally worked it off, wrapping in her hand before taking his hand with her free hand, placing the ring on his palm and wrapping his fingers around it before he really had a choice to deny her. her eyes flashed with fury, but there was something else there, something akin to pain. "i can't be your wife. i do love you connor, with all of my heart. but until you can fucking forgive yourself, i can never be enough. and i'm not going to stand by and watch you destroy yourself because of how irrationally stubborn you are. i am not a possession. i am not something that you can just wake up one day and decide you suddenly want or don't want. until you see me as someone who is fit to be your partner, as someone you can trust to just...to fucking help you connor, then i won't marry you."

she told him, her eyes never leaving his despite what his reaction might be. nodding to herself because of her courage, she refused to let any emotion overwhelm her. when she was by herself she would cry, but not now. "figure it out. i'm yours and i'm only yours. no one else's. so i'll be waiting if you're ever ready. just like last time." she informed him with a small sigh. slipping by him now, she walked quickly to the door, not bothering to look over her shoulder as she suddenly understood what was happening to her.

as she stepped out of the room, her water broke. uncomfortable, in ever increasing agony, she called on her inner strength and determination to make it down the stairs to the back of the kitchen. she took the stairs one at a time, her breathing irregular and fast because of the pain filling her. it was uncontrollable, it was unbearable. it was worse than she had ever felt before, and she groaned out suddenly, unable to keep it to herself. grabbing the first set of keys that she could on the key ring, she was glad to see that it wasn't connor's favorite car. the vehicle was actually parked out in the front of the mansion, and she somehow made her way to the front door without being accosted or seen. getting to the front door, she opened it, another groan leaving her as she slipped outside. getting to the car, she fumbled with the keys, tears nearly springing to her eyes because of everything that had just happened.

pushing them back down, she realized that her first contraction was ripping through her body, and she doubled over, her hands on her rounded belly, crying out in surprise and pain. this couldn't be happening. not now.

TEMPLATE BY VIKA OF CAUTION.

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] this had all gone too far. he'd gone too far. he'd lost himself in his indiscretions and shortcomings. he hated himself, and it radiated out on everything else. he hated what he was, but it was all he knew. he thought he was never allowed to change. he thought he would be weak if he did, and his pride overpowered it all. he hated the man he saw in the mirror, a silent version of himself with no comment on his horrid personage. that version of him was different. he was silent, he didn't feel anger or emotion. he didn't get overworked over little things like his sister kissing his best friend or his fiancee's pregnancy hormones. as eli reacted to him, the malice in her face and her voice was clear, and it cut him to the bone. she hated him, and he deserved it. he had pushed her away, and he deserved to suffer. everything evil deserves to suffer, does it not? and what was the only way he could suffer: losing the only thing he cared about. yes, he cared about his family. he would give his life for any of his siblings (even lennox), or his mother, but he loved eli. he adored her. he knew this, and it frightened him as much as every emotion he ever felt. he was more frightened by his emotions than by a gun to his head. she wasn't afraid of him, and he didn't expect her to be. he was glad she wasn't. out of all the people in the world, eli was the one he never wanted to fear him. when he realized how close he'd been to hurting her with his own hands, he despised himself. he was filled with self-loathing so thick and powerful that it constricted his lungs with its might. he heard her say she believed his main source of confusion was her, and he didn't know if she was right. he was confused about his position in life, his purpose, but he wasn't confused about her. he'd pushed her away, he'd grown in to his own darkness in subconscious hopes of never pulling her down with him, but he knew how he felt about her. that was what made him balk at it all. he loved he so powerfully, it overpowered the things he'd always been accustomed to: death and killing. the things he was used to were replaced by the all-consuming love he felt for her, so he shut her off. it was all wrong. it was twisted and fucked up, and it was all his fault. he wasn't his father, and he never would be. he wasn't worthy to be kyson selwyn's son. as he turned back to face her, her words sliced through him. he was raw and open although it didn't show in his face to people who didn't know him well. and who knew him better than the woman in front of him? she'd loved him, she'd hated him, she'd felt indifference. he was a stoic, closed off man until it came to his anger, but he was torn open on the inside. it was hidden under layers of self-loathing and bitter anger, but it was there. he was more broken than all of them, a hundred shades of fucked up. he drove himself into a deep hole of despair, and he didn't allow anyone to help him. kahlan had attempted to help him in the past, but she was his enabler, not his healer. she didn't change him. the only person who had ever healed him and not enabled him was standing right in front of him. he looked into eli's beautiful face and he saw it. he saw the hard love for him. he saw the adoration for a monster. she was stronger than him in that way. she could love him when he didn't love himself. then, he kissed her. it was impulsive, but it was necessary. and as she met him, kissing him as hard as he kissed her, the feeling that it was the last kiss they shared overwhelmed him. it felt like a final, closing blow. but he lost himself in kissing her, and he felt her do the same as she met him and answered his kiss with her own. when he pulled away, opening his eyes to look at her, her eyes flitted open a moment after, and he watched her pupils adjust to the light as she focused on him. but then his own confusion over his existence broke the moment, and the next thing he heard was her chiding him for being pathetic and an idiot. the words angered him, but he was too exhausted to argue. besides, she was right. he'd weakened himself by refusing to feel. in his attempts to fit into the ideals his father had formed for him from an early age, he had managed to weaken himself more than if he'd just ignored it all. his eyes snapped down to her hand as she began to remove her ring, the ring that had once belonged to his grandmother, and he numbly watched as she placed it in his hand and closed his fingers over it. her face was so angry, so full of bitterness and pain, and it was all his fault. this was worse than the hatred she'd felt toward him when he'd betrayed her. this was a more personal pain, closer to the heart. her words told him she couldn't be with him, she wouldn't be with him, and the next moment she vowed she was his and only his. he didn't reply. his green eyes seethed with anger and pain and hurt and guilt, and the weight of the ring in his closed hand was like a lead anchor. he could feel the diamonds cutting in to his palm, and as she announced herself and turned and left him, he stood numbly alone in the room. the door closed behind her, shutting him off from the only happiness he'd ever gotten in his life. but had he earned it? no, he hadn't. he hadn't deserved it. his fingers uncurled and he stared down at the ring in his palm, having no idea the woman he loved was struggling with the premature of the children they shared. his eyes stared dumbly at the ring, and he began to shake, hearing all of her words rattling around and echoing in his head. ---------------------------------- lennox finished his final cookie, having successfully ignored the conversation going on at the end of the hallway, but there had been so much yelling, he couldn't help but overhear. he gathered the jist of it, and he knew eli was leaving. the thought disturbed and unsettled him. he disapproved of much of what connor did, but this was irreprehensible. the woman was about to give birth to connor's children, and even if he was a selfish ass, he had a responsibility. lennox hated connor in that moment, more than ever before, and he stood from the counter, turning to go toward his quarters on the far side of the house. however, a choked groan caught his attention and he halted immediately, turning back the direction he'd come. the sound was only a moment and it disappeared, but he didn't shrug it off. there was more than one way to escape from the office at the end of the hall. tugging his cellphone from his pocket, he called his sister, unable to physically visit her room as he raced back down the hallway and rounded the corner to the passageway that would lead him to the garage and, ultimately, the driveway outside. even if eli was leaving connor, lennox had an undeniable bond with her. he had been the one to call her and ask her to come to connor after his brother had gone into a living coma after he'd killed the russians. he was the one who understood that she loved him even when she hated him, for lennox felt the same way even if it was a different sort of love. he cared about the girl the way he cared about kahlan, and he hated the idea of her hurting because of his ass of a brother. as he reached the bend in the hallway, he almost slipped and fell as the passed behind eli, his shoes sliding on the soaked floor. catching his balance with a hand smacking against the wall, he stared wide-eyed at the mess and suddenly the clues clicked in to place. this was bad. "kahlan," he barked in to the cellphone as he turned back to face the door of connor's office. "get outside. she's headed out there, i just don't know where. she cannot try to drive herself away from here. she's going to have those babies, and soon." ------------------------------- connor's body was overcome with hatred for himself, but that was when something clicked in his mind. he hadn't turned himself in to this. his father had bred this in to him. he'd bred the traits of all of his children in to them. he was the soldier, kahlan was the lady, lennox was the thinker, and asher was the sick one. kyson had turned them in to caricatures of people, tropes instead of actual human beings. his hatred shifted suddenly, and an intense pain filled him as he realized he hated his father in that moment. the one man he'd idolized from childhood had been the one man who had turned him in to this thing. and now, he'd lost the woman he loved because of it. the only woman who could love him for who and what he was. the bitterness was overpowering as he realized this. he didn't have to be this monster. it wasn't his job to turn into an unlovable beast of a man because of his father. kyson was dead. he'd finished his time, and it was connor's time now. raising his gaze from the ring in his hand, he closed his fingers around it and headed for the door. eli had a head start, but he could catch her. she could only move so fast after all. throwing the door open, he came face-to-face with lennox who glared hotly at him. "get out of my way, lennox," he snapped, shoving his younger brother with his closed hand which held the ring eli had returned to him. lennox grabbed his wrist and shoved hard against him, throwing him off balance and successfully pinning him against the wall as he was taken off guard. twisting, lennox pointed at the floor before glaring hatefully at his brother. "look. look what you've done. you've driven away the only person who could possibly love you, and she's going in to labor." connor's green eyes widened as he realized what he was seeing. eli's water had broken the moment she'd left the office, and he hadn't known. he'd been absorbed with his own selfish thoughts. "get out of my way," he repeated, trying to push lennox out of the way so he could chase after her. lennox smiled darkly, ramming his forearm so hard in to connor's throat that the older man winced and coughed from the sudden contact. choking, connor grasped for his brother's arm, anger flaring in his eyes. "you're not going after her, connor. you've done enough," he hissed. connor's eyes flared with irritation, and he reached in to his pocket, swiftly pulling out his knife and stabbing it through lennox's hand beside his head. lennox gasped in pain and instantly his arm was gone as he yanked it away. "you ass!" he exclaimed as connor pushed him out of they way and went off down the hallway. "you're only going to hurt her more. leave her the hell alone!" "no!" connor screamed, rounding on his brother who cradled his hand against his stomach as he pulled the knife out and the blood began pouring out on to his shirt. "i love her, lennox, and i need her. so fuck you, and stay out of my way." "you don't get it, do you?" lennox asked, shaking his head and scoffing audibly. "she's better off without you. we all are." he sneered up at connor who glared him down. connor's slender fingers closed around lennox's throat, and his gaze was murderous as he clamped down around lennox's windpipe, making him gag and clutch at connor's arm in an impotent attempt to stop him. "sometimes you have to fight for what you know is right. our father never taught that to us, but he knew it. he got so preoccupied with turning us in to his perfect little models of people that he forgot what really mattered, but he knew it. he showed it in the way he loved ma and uncle kipper, but we have always lived by his words and not his actions." lennox gagged on the pain around his throat as connor cocked his head and watched him struggle. "this ends today. we are a family, and we will not be monsters any more." releasing lennox, he shoved him hard toward the wall, sending him stumbling back into the sheetrock as he grabbed his neck and panted heavily. stalking off down the hallway, he pulled his phone from his shirt pocket and dialed the number of the obgyn he had on his payroll especially for eli. ordering the woman to the mansion, he hung up curtly and headed down the hallway to the garage. ----------------- hanging up with lennox, kahlan took the stairs two at the time and leapt through the foyer, heading for the front door. bursting outside, she gazed around frantically for any sign of eli. instantly, she recognized the car finn had left parked in the front driveway when he'd returned from his latest mission, and inside, a figure shook as it hunched over the steering wheel. racing for the driver's side door, kahlan fumbled for the handle as she recognized the shape of eli inside. tearing it open clumsily, she rushed to eli's side, hearing her cry out as a contraction ripped through her. kahlan winced as she saw the pain, a pain she'd never experienced, and she tried to grip eli's arm as gently as possible, not knowing what to expect as a reaction out of the woman she considered her sister. "eli! eli, get out of the car. i'm right here, come on. please. you can't drive yourself. we'll get the doctor out here. please," she begged, trying to urge the blond out of the driver's seat. at that moment, the garage door swung upward and connor appeared, his brow darkened as he stalked across the driveway toward his sister. she blanched, not knowing what had happened but seeing the rage in connor's face. defensively, she stood between him and eli as he rounded the car. "not you too. get out of they way, kay," he ordered her, his face livid as he heard another groan of pain from eli behind his sister. "i will move you if you don't get out of the way," he threatened. kahlan stared him down, stubborn as always, but she could see the change in his face. she saw the change in him, sensed it, and that softened her until she stepped out of the way. moving away from the driver's side of the car, she noticed lennox clutching a bloody hand and coming after connor, and she ran to him to tend to him as connor replaced her beside eli at the car. wordlessly, he bent and slipped his arms beneath her. using his strength, he grunted as he tugged eli from the car. his arms bulged with her weight and the weight of the twins, and his willpower doubled as he carried her back toward the house. he didn't give a shit about getting messy or whether she was convulsed in pain or not. there were things that mattered more than expectations or appearances; he knew that now. carrying her in through the door as kahlan opened it for him, he put her as gently as he could on the couch in the living room and ordered kahlan to get him a wet washcloth and some towels. when they were alone, he looked down at eli as she cringed on the couch. his shirt was covered in lennox's blood and the birthing fluids from her, but he didn't care. gently, he brushed her sweaty blond hair back out of her eyes and his face tightened as he grimaced, wishing she wasn't in such pain. lennox was right, this was his fault. the twins weren't due for another month, and he'd caused her enough stress that she'd gone into premature labor. "eli, i'm...i'm sorry," he whispered, his voice breaking with the emotion he was unaccustomed to. leaning over, he kissed her forehead and backed away, believing she had the full right to hate him after everything he'd said and done. but he knew what he wanted now, and now he would fight for it. she was his humanity, his partner. "i love you." he allowed her to cling to his hand if she wished as another contraction overtook her. notes, okay, so this moves to the top of my list as the longest post i've ever written xD word count, hella long thanks brooklyn from shine

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[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

you're the one that i should never take, but i can't sleep until i devour you - - - - -

eli could not erase the feeling of guilt that filled her chest as she struggled with the early labor. she shouldn't have left him the way that she did, she shouldn't have handed the ring over to him, but she didn't know what else to do. she needed to be strong enough for herself, for him, to know what needed to be done. she needed to do what was for the good of the mafia and this was it. the ira could not be successful in running the irish mafia out of boston. connor needed to focus and that was not something that he could do if she was in the picture. his love for her was seen as a weakness. she knew that. she had known it from day one. she had known what she was getting herself into when she had first only started sleeping with him. he wasn't a normal human being, but that fact had excited her. he was a challenge, and through that challenge, she had fallen in love with him. she couldn't express this kind of love for another man. not ever, and she didn't want to. she wanted connor. there was no doubting that, but he needed to want her too.

and lately, he was so consumed in his confusion over whatever it was that he was going through that it felt as if he had forgotten her.

she was trying desperately not to be needy and she had honestly been better in the past month. she knew that her pregnancy had been nothing short of difficult for him and she didn't blame him for breaking down the way that he had. but he needed to be strong enough to overcome and solve whatever it was that was bothering him. and when he voiced it all to her, she was disappointed to find that he still viewed himself as a monster. she had done all that she could as his lover, as his fiancee. she had told him time and time again that she loved him, that she wanted to be with him. she didn't know how many times she could try to convince him that he wasn't a monster, that she didn't view him as such. she knew he didn't forgive himself for doing what he did to her and a part of him never would. but she forgave him and that was just as important. there were so many things wrong with their relationship that for a moment, eli was overwhelmed. and that added stress did nothing to aid her in her attempts to calm herself down. she didn't know what to expect in this process. she didn't know what was right or what was wrong, but she knew that this was wrong. she wasn't supposed to have their children for another month and she was terrified that she would be responsible for killing them too.

in that moment, on her own, she allowed herself a small break down. walking out on connor hadn't been what she had in mind when she went into his office only moments before, but there was nothing that she could do now. it was done and it was over with and she needed to move on. but she was devastated. devastated that she couldn't help him, that he wouldn't allow her to try, that they were losing what they had just after he had proposed to her. she wasn't a woman that needed constant care and affection, or even gentleness. she was used to hard men in her life. she was used to yelling, to anger, to fighting. she was simple in that aspect, and she was afraid that connor slipping the way that he had had a lot to do with her and her hormones and her pregnancy.she had become nearly impossible to deal with while before, she had been a breeze. her panicked, emotional states had been hard on him and she had pushed him too far. and now, here she was, afraid that she was killing their children without him by her side.

the tears fell before she could stop them and if anyone was to find her, she would be humiliated. but try as she might, she couldn't gather her composure in order to even get the key into the ignition. her cry split the air as she felt another contraction minutes after the first. this wasn't good. this couldn't be good. she wasn't timing the contractions, but there wasn't much distance between them and that terrified her. that meant that the labor was moving, and it was moving quickly.

hyperventilating because of her solitude, she remained doubled over in the front seat of the car, suddenly aware of the door opening. turning her face away from whoever it was so that they wouldn't see her tears, she cried out as the pain rippled through her body. hearing kahlan's voice, she shook her head, stubborn as always. gritting her teeth, she forced herself to sit up straighter, the sweat breaking out across her forehead as she tried to deal with her pain. "it's fine, i'm fine. i'll be fine. i'll make it. they aren't bad. false alarm, probably. better be...safe than sorry though." she grimaced as she sat there, soon ducking her head as she breathed quickly, trying to regain the air that she so desperately needed. and that was when she saw kahlan step away from the car, her quiet presence replaced by one that was dark and dangerous. "connor, no." she tried to refuse him as he leaned down, his arms encircling her as she protested. unable to keep the groan of pain from leaving her lips as he adjusted her, she felt him strain with the combined weight of her and their two babies.

as he cradled her against his chest, she found that she needed him all over again even though it made her feel disgustingly weak. listless for a moment as the pain from the contraction finally started to ebb, she brought her hands up and clung to his shirt. wrapping her fingers around the fabric, she leaned her forehead against his shoulder, keeping her eyes closed tight as he carried her back into the house and into the living room. "connor." she managed, sounding tired even before she had gone through anything serious. her face was paling dramatically from the force of the pain, and as he settled her down on the couch, she rested her head back, turning her face away from him and anyone else who was gathered in the room.

it was then that she heard his voice and the emotion in it caused her to turn to look at him in surprise.

as he apologized and leaned forward to kiss her forehead, she found that she still wanted to be mad at him, wanted to make him work for her forgiveness, but her heart wouldn't let her. the apology was something that she would have never believed, but he had said it. and his care and his concern was obvious as he stood next to her. closing her eyes for a moment, she felt his hand slip over hers, his fingers intertwining with her own as she tried to get more comfortable on the couch. and then he told her that he loved her, which caused her blue eyes to gaze willingly up into his green. "stay here. stay with me." she requested of him, watching him for his reaction, needing to see him agree. but she didn't have long to focus on him because suddenly, her small body was tensing obviously, her head going back to push into the cushions as a groan left her lips. the contractions were happening closer and closer, and that terrified her. squeezing his hand hard, she refused to let go of him, wanting him to be even closer to her, wanting him near her.

her body shook from the intensity of the contractions, and her lips parted as she started breathing faster and faster. "i can't...i need....oh my god, connor." she panted out, unable to really form a coherent thought as the contraction tightened through her. finally, slowly, it began to subside and she was left on the couch, limp and tired. she didn't know how she was going to do this and the very idea of actually birthing the babies overwhelmed her. but as she realized this his hand was still in hers, she looked up at him, urging him closer to her, wanting him to hold her despite knowing he wasn't fond of such emotion. "i love you. just know that...okay?" she whispered through her pain, looking up at him as she tensed minutes after, another contraction ripping through her. she felt like she was being torn apart, and she squeezed him harder than the last time. throwing her head back into the sofa, she cried out loudly, trying to control herself but unable to.

"where's the doctor?" she questioned worriedly, barely able to get the words out because of how breathless she was. uncomfortable and in agony, she looked up at connor through her pain, desperately afraid that she was going to fail him.

TEMPLATE BY VIKA OF CAUTION.

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] connor ignored her as she refused him. she didn't have any choice in her current condition, and whether she hated him or not, she was giving birth to his children. he may be a monster, he may be an asshole, but he was not going to allow her to walk away from him while she was in labor with the children they shared. she could continue to hate him, but he was too stubborn to allow her to leave in such a state. her grip on his shirt assured him that she was accepting his help. he knew she was as stubborn as him at times. his name on her lips was strained and exhausted, and he frowned slightly as he moved to settle her on the couch as gently as he could manage. he didn't notice kahlan and lennox behind him as he settled on the floor beside the couch. kahlan hastily wrapped lennox's hand with a bandage before shooing him from the room to call the doctor as she moved to the head of the couch with a cool washcloth to place on eli's forehead. connor saw eli's surprise, even through her pain, and his insides balked irritably, his harpy subconscious telling him he was weak, but he ignored it. he could only be an ass for so long before he lost everyone and everything that meant anything to him. lennox was right, as he always was. she asked him to stay with her, and he looked back in to her blue eyes and nodded. brushing her blond hair back from her sweaty forehead, he sighed audibly. "i'm not going anywhere," he confirmed. then suddenly, her body tightened as another wave passed through her, and he frowned in consternation as her hand clamped down hard on his. his threshold for pain was high, but he could feel her urgency in that grip, and he wished he could take some of the pain away from her. he hated seeing the pain of the people he loved. he hated not being able to take it away. so he allowed her to crush his hand, not feeling the pain past his concern for her. this was all his fault. he'd stressed her to the point that she had gone in to labor. seeing the pained look on her brother's face, kahlan glared at him until she drew his attention. subtly shaking her head, she communicated to him that this was not his fault. this was no one's fault. "babies come when they come," kahlan murmured to them both, knowing how the two of them beat themselves up over who's fault something was. she really didn't understand why it was a necessity for blame to be placed, but she was tired of it. glancing to her left, she noticed lennox appear in the darkened hallway, and he nodded at her without entering the room. just as eli asked about the doctor, kahlan gently dried her forehead once more. "she's on the way now," she confirmed. connor barely heard his sister as she told them the doctor would arrive soon. he barely noticed when the doctor actually arrived, and he adamantly refused to be removed when she showed up. instead, he helped situate eli on the floor where there was more room for the birthing process, and his hand remained crushed within hers the entire time. kahlan held her other hand as the doctor spoke soothing words to the laboring woman. "is she alright? are the babies alright? they're early," connor asked the doctor as eli bared down in another contraction, pushing with all of her might. "they're fine, eli is fine. it's not abnormal for twins to come early. there just isn't enough room for them in there anymore," the doctor confirmed in a chirp. the doctor's assurance eased his worry, but he still wished he could remove some of eli's pain. hours later, he was exhausted and realized it was the middle of the night. kahlan and the doctor had finally pushed him off to the side, but he hadn't gone far. instead, it was his task to help kahlan clean up the first twin as the second was born. everytime he heard eli cry out, he would tense and move toward her until he couldn't stand it anymore, and he left kahlan with his son to return to her side. as the second child was born, connor anxiously watched the doctor until the woman smiled and offered him the scissors to cut the umbilical cord. "it's a girl." his surprise was obvious at the revelation, and he watched in amazement as the doctor handed the second baby off to his sister who had already passed his and eli's son over to lennox who was hovering politely far enough away so as not to make eli uncomfortable. "it's a girl..." he repeated, looking down at eli as the doctor went about the necessary post-operative procedures. "a boy and a girl." he smiled then, his first real smile in what might possibly have been years. he was covered in blood and goo and looked like he'd slaughtered hundreds of russians all over again, but he didn't care less. he was used to blood, and his relief that eli was done going through that pain was greater than any disgust he could feel over the gore of the situation. leaning over her, he kissed her forehead before shifting and kissing her lips. "you did great, babe," he whispered against her mouth before pulling away from her to beckon kahlan over to him with their daughter. releasing eli's hand only long enough to retrieve their son, he sat beside her and handed her both of them. "luca and avery, meet your mom," he spoke gently to the twins, his voice soft in a way kahlan had never heard. she'd never seen her brother be gentle, hadn't believed it was in his nature. but the quiet gentleness he had now was like an aura around him, and unspoken feeling. it was as powerful as his domineering side, permeating the room and silently communicating that everyone assembled should be equally as calm and peaceful. "luca kyson and avery mikaela." "kyson... like dad..." kahlan commented quietly behind him, glancing briefly at him before looking at the babies over eli's shoulder. "like dad," connor confirmed, glancing up at her for a moment. kahlan smiled slightly and nodded in approval. she'd never been their father's biggest fan, neither had lennox or asher for that matter, but she still respected the man. she knew how desperately connor wanted to emulate him, how hard he was on himself for not being an exact replica of their father. "appropriate," lennox agreed from the shadows. his approval sealed the deal, and kahlan smiled to herself as connor leaned over and kissed eli's forehead one more time. his green eyes flicked up to his sister, silently telling her to take the babies for a moment. when she gently pulled them in to her lap and sat by eli's side, connor shifted and held his hand out to eli. "i have something that belongs to you." his fingers uncurled, revealing the ring he'd had on his person since she'd put it in his hand and walked away. it no longer belonged to him. "i told you once that this ring belonged to my grandmother, and she would approve that i'd found you. she would like you because you're strong like her. i still feel that way, even if i've lost sight of that along the way. "i'm not promising that i won't be an asshole again in the future, but i'm promising that i love you and i will do anything it takes to keep you and our children happy and safe. please be my wife, eli." notes, --- word count, eh thanks brooklyn from shine

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[ELI LILLIAN BRYNE]

you're the one that i should never take, but i can't sleep until i devour you - - - - -

this had to be a sign. eli wasn't meant to leave and some higher power had affected her and pushed her into an early labor. if she was coherent, if she was in her right mind, she would have never come to that conclusion. but now she was delirious from her pain and she had no choice but to listen and to believe the thoughts that she had somehow created in her mind. so, as she clung desperately to the man she wanted to be her husband, she couldn't make heads or tails out of the thoughts that were interrupting her sanity.

keeping her eyes shut tight as he carried her into the house, her body trembled with the effects of the contractions and she found that nothing that she had ever experienced in terms of pain paralleled this. the torturing she had experienced were painful in their own right, but they were nothing like this. groaning uncomfortably, she couldn't even keep herself quiet as she normally did when it came to pain. it just showed how awful this entire process was. eli tried to be strong, she tried to hang onto that sense of pride that she possessed. she was a strong woman, there was no doubting that, and it embarrassed her that she was showing this weakness in front of connor. but she didn't want him to leave. he couldn't leave because then she really wouldn't be able to do this. it sickened her to be that weak and she knew that somehow, someway, she was going to have to redeem herself when it was possible. right now though, she couldn't keep her body from experiencing this agony, and her hand traveled from clinging to his shirt, to his hand as he knelt down beside the couch.

as he promised that he wasn't going anywhere, eli turned her face away from him, comforted by the fact that he was staying even if he didn't want to. his sigh had confused her and she was trying to make out if he wanted to be here or not. anger flashed through her at the realization that he might not want to be present for this, but she pushed it down, keeping it at bay so that she wouldn't further antagonize him. she had done enough in the office, obviously. the blame traveled over her features, but it had nothing to do with him. eli should have been more careful, she shouldn't have yelled at him. then maybe she wouldn't be in early labor. but it seemed that connor had the opposite thoughts, and suddenly kahlan was reprimanding them as she placed a cool washcloth on eli's forehead. she listened to her sister in law to be's words, trying to find solace in them as she struggled with her pain. babies came when they came and eli and connor needed to accept that. nodding her head, she lifted her free hand to push the washcloth more firmly against her burning forehead. "right, you're right." she agreed breathlessly, squirming as she tried desperately to get comfortable.

as the contractions continued to travel through her strained body, eli found herself growing more and more exhausted, the pain waking her up as it ripped through her. she refused to let go of connor's hand even as the doctor got there, and as they moved her, she tried to help. connor would have none of that though, and it was quite obvious that eli was listless when it came to moving herself. exhausted, she settled back with her head in connor's lap, her legs bent appropriately, as instructed by her doctor. she had grown to appreciate the woman, to trust her, and as connor's voice rumbled out, she believed the doctor when she informed them that this was normal. "thank goodness.." she whispered quietly, her fears obvious, but put at ease by now. she forced herself to believe the words that the woman said because she had no other choice. their babies were okay. they just wanted to get out, impatient before they even came into this world. she supposed it was normal, considering who their father was. trying not to smile like a fool at that very thought, eli's brow furrowed in discomfort as another contraction battled her, in which the doctor told her to start pushing.

startled, she sat up slightly, her elbows supporting her when she left connor's lap. "what? now? right now?" she questioned her incredulously, feeling someone stack pillows up behind her so she could sit up straighter. it was more comfortable even though she had appreciated leaning against her husband to be. groaning as the doctor told her once more to start pushing, eli was forced to wait for another contraction. moaning in pain, she did as she instructed, her face screwing up with the force of the pushing that she had to do.

it seemed to take days, but hours later, and eli was finally working on delivering their second child. it had been eight hours in total, so far, and while the doctor informed connor to consider himself lucky for his fiancee's sake, eli didn't feel lucky. she felt exhausted and spent. she was feverish and sick and she honestly just wanted to be finished with the entire ordeal. the births were supposed to be natural, and so far, they had been, but she was fading fast from the stress of the entire situation. her head lolled to the side as she felt another contraction, having been accustomed to the tightening of her expanded stomach muscles. the tears dripped freely down her pale cheeks now, the pain she was in evident and extreme. she would never have a natural birth after this, that was for certain. groaning, yelling out as she pushed, she was finally given the relief she so clearly needed as their daughter was brought into the world. closing her eyes out of pure exhaustion, she settled back against the pillows that had been stacked up for her comfort, feeling as if she was going to fade off to sleep as soon as the doctor took her baby.

however, her motherly instincts, so foreign to her, flared up instantly as she heard the cries of the newborns and her brow furrowed with worry as she opened her eyes and glanced up, wanting to hold them, comfort them. connor was there though, his smile real and assuring, his voice calm and peaceful. it seemed to settle over the room and eli accepted it, hearing their babies settle even though it surprised the doctor. smiling in return as he announced that they had a girl and a boy, she looked up at him weakly. "worth the wait?" she questioned him hoarsely, closing her eyes as he kissed her sweaty forehead, then her lips. kissing him back, she sighed into him as he spoke against her lips, telling her that she did a wonderful job. kissing him once more before he pulled away, she thanked him silently with her gaze as she turned to gaze at him when he sat down beside her with their babies. sitting up as best as she could, despite her pain, she took them gently, as if she would break them. staring in wonder down at their children, her gaze lifted, warmly meeting connor's as her face brightened despite her current physical state.

"they're beautiful, they're healthy...connor..they're perfect." her voice was filled with an emotion that only he would understand. no one else knew of the child that they had lost, that they had suffered for. bringing her eyes up to meet his green, she was agitated that they were filled with tears, but she couldn't help herself. shaking her head wordlessly, she blinked her emotion back and away, kissing her son's forehead, and then her daughter's. they could be parents. they could do this together. somehow, someway, they could be a father and a mother. as long as they did it together everything would work out, somehow. smiling down at their beautiful children, she listened as connor announced the names, glad and thankful that it had all clicked into place. they had discussed the names in the past, picking out their favorites and putting combinations together that seemed to work. as he spoke the names and announced them to those gathered, eli smiled lovingly down at their twins, ecstatic that they were alive and healthy.

connor was suddenly lifting them from her arms and eli looked at him questioningly. despite her exhaustion, her instincts told her to keep the babies, but she needed rest. she was already fading as her responsibilities were pulled from her, but connor forced to focus as he told her that he had something for her. furrowing her brow, she forgot in the terror of the situation that she had given the ring back. watching as he held his hand out to her, her eyes took in the sight of the beautiful ring that sat in the middle of his palm. her brown furrowed as she looked down at it, her fingers brushing his questioningly as he explained the history of the ring once, and that his grandmother would have liked her for her strength. lifting her eyes, she watched him wordlessly, knowing that he needed to get everything off of his chest before she even said anything. as he finished his explanation, eli sat there in silence once more, debating over her anger for this man in front of her.

the labor had softened her, but his unyielding support was what won her over in the end. he wanted to do this for her, he loved her. she needed to accept him again and hold his love deep within her heart. he might not always show it, he might be a complete and utter asshole, but his love was there. she had to realize that despite his transgressions. she had her own as well. they pushed and they pulled, but they would always love. sighing, she closed her fingers over the ring, pulling it from his grasp and using her right hand to slide it back over her left ring forward. "i'm yours connor." she whispered so that only he could hear. their moment was something that needed to be shared in solitude, and as kahlan and lennox cared for luca and avery, eli focused on the man she had never stopped loving.

"i will do everything in my power to be the woman that you need and deserve. you just have to let me." she explained, her voice rimmed with exhaustion. trying not to wilt in front of him, she was overwhelmed with the long, natural labor, and it showed in her pale features even though she was trying to appear strong for him. settling back into the pillows, she forced herself to smile at him, trying to get her body to obey her even though it was revolting because of how spent it was.

"how does it feel to be a father?" she questioned him in a whisper, her blue eyes threatening to close as she separated herself from him, her hand leaving his so that he could have his space. she knew that he could only handle so much tenderness, so much touch, so she refused to overdo it although it wouldn't be something she would rebuke now. sighing to herself, she tried to cling onto the conscious world, but she started fading so quickly that it was an absolute joke. eli would hate herself for being so weak when she woke up again.

TEMPLATE BY VIKA OF CAUTION.

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] the corner of his mouth quirked up as eli slid the ring back over her finger, where it belonged, and promised him she was his. her words, the way she told him, meant more to him than she could know. he was accustomed to possessing things, to controlling things, but he didn't have to control her. that scared him more than anything. he couldn't control her. she wasn't something for him to possess. her love was something she gave to him willingly, because he was a monster and not in spite of it. his sister and his brothers loved him because of what he was. he focused on her tired face as she continued to tell him she would work to be the woman he deserved. he shook his head slightly and brushed her sweaty hair back from her forehead. "you could never be the woman i deserve, because you're far more than that. i don't deserve to be loved by you, eli. you deserve so much more than me, and all i can do is wonder why you would ever love a man like me." leaning over, he gently kissed her forehead just above her left eye, sucking in a shakey breath. he didn't tell her that he knew all he would do was hurt her. that he didn't know where that balance was in his life, and he didn't know if he would ever find it. that he believed he would fail her and their children, and he couldn't live with that inevitability. his lack of faith in himself was staggering, but he had faith in the people who followed him: in eli, lennox, finn, asher, kahlan, and everyone else. when she released his hand and settled back in to the floor, connor smiled slightly to himself. she knew him, and even then, he felt mildly empty because she'd moved. he would have to get over himself, to set the two sides of his life apart from one another. "it feels really...surreal," he admitted, glancing over his shoulder at his brother and sister as they rocked the babies and smiled at one another. the aunt and uncle vibe had already settled over them, and kahlan especially was gushing over her nephew as she bounced him gently and talked to him. when he turned back to eli, she had already dozed off, and he smirked to himself. kissing her forehead once more, he rose to his feet and ordered kahlan and lennox to prepare bottles for the babies before they went to bed. ------------------------ "eli. eli, wake up." three days had past, and that meant little sleep for new parents, but connor needed little sleep to begin with. at least recently. he'd been without much sleep many times before on missions and other duties, and he had begun to allot being a new dad in that category. with twins, eli couldn't feed both of them entirely on her own, so he was left to feed one while she nursed the other. he often fell asleep holding a bottle and one of the babies. it was becoming a routine. but now, it was already ten in the morning, and since he still naturally woke up around 6 every morning, he'd already gone to retrive the surprise he had for her and returned. when he couldn't wait any longer for her to rise on her own, he entered the bedroom and began to raise her. "i have a surprise for you, but you have to get up. come on," he urged her, helping her to rise and climb out of the bed. it took a while because she was still weak from such a massive labor, but eventually he helped her to the main room with his arm around her waist and most of her weight distributed across his shoulders as she leaned against him. seeing the door to the bedroom open, kahlan glanced over as she busied herself giving a bottle to her niece. glancing into the kitchen, she nodded toward the living room. connor looked up, seeing his sister direct his surprise into the room, and he smiled as he helped eli lower herself to her favorite chair in the living area. "it took him a little while to get here because he refuses to ride on a plane, but i thought there was someone you needed to see," connor announced with a victorious smirk as he stepped back away from her. "i have to say i'm disappointed my little sister got herself knocked up and didn't even tell me," came jett's voice as he entered the living room and smiled broadly down at his twin. he was a grand total of about twenty minutes older than her, but he loved to rub it in. it was a habit he hoped to pass on to his nephew as his generous offer to his sister. winking at her, he sank on to the couch beside her and gathered her in to his arms, hugging her as tightly as he could without hurting her. notes, --- word count, eh thanks brooklyn from shine

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