wanted is love || kahlan

[asher finnegan selwyn]

His room was dark, as it was for the most part nowadays. Connor had just driven him back from his chemotherapy and radiation treatments and Asher knew what was coming.

He was going to get sick, he had been getting sick ever since he had gotten home. His family left him alone for the most part, knowing that this was the time he was going to need to be by himself. They respected him that much he supposed. That and Connor couldn't really deal with the fact that he couldn't control what was going on inside of Asher's body. It wasn't a war that Connor could fight or win and he knew that it was putting extra, unnecessary stress on his brother. Feeling more and more like a burden as each day passed, Asher shut himself away because he knew that it was better for everyone involved.

Sighing to himself as he finished getting sick for what felt like the hundredth time, Asher pushed himself slowly to his unsteady feet and leaned over the bathroom sink. Running the cold water, he ducked his head closer to the steady stream, filling his hands with the cool liquid and running it over his hot and clammy face. He was losing weight and as he lifted his green eyes to glance at himself, he could see the gaunt look his face was taking on. Wishing he could change that, but knowing that he could not, he nearly punched the glass in his frustration. Knowing that wouldn't bring him anything but pain, he focused on looking at his reflection. It was then that he noticed the bald spot on the side of his head.

Furrowing his brow, he slowly turned the faucet off, his eyes never leaving the skin that was showing clearly where there had been hair before. Knowing that this was part of the process but not expecting it so soon, Asher acted rashly, as was the Selwyn way sometimes. Most of the time. Not really thinking clearly, he reached below him into the cabinet, bringing out the pair of clippers that he kept for the strange occasion in which he felt like giving himself a hair cut. Now was one of those times. Plugging them in, he turned them on, staring angrily at himself in the mirror. And without another moment's hesitation, he reached up and started dragging the clipper blade over his already shaved head. He had a buzz cut, and while it did look nice, he was making himself bald. He wouldn't let the cancer take anything else from him, so before that could happen, he took it from himself first. It only took him ten minutes to rid himself of any hair on his head, and as he stared at his reflection, he felt foreign and different. Not caring and caring simultaneously, he unplugged the clippers and threw them violently into the trash.

Confusion swept through him and he didn't know what else to do. He needed his sister. It came to him suddenly and he didn't waste much time. Brushing his teeth thoroughly so she didn't have to smell that he had just been sick, he hoped that he didn't smell like a hospital either. The arm band that he had been given was still taped around his wrist, and the iv that they used to administer his treatments was still in his arm, taped securely and wrapped so it wouldn't shake loose. It was easier for everyone involved to keep it in place until it absolutely needed to be changed. Entering his bedroom, Asher changed his clothes, putting on a fresh tee shirt and a fresh pair of sweatpants over his clean boxers. Feeling more comfortable, he pushed himself out of his bedroom, walking slowly down the hall to where he knew his sister would be. She had been scarce as of late, and he wondered if it had anything to do with the fight he had heard about, or the fact that she had thrown up on Connor. Smiling to himself suddenly at the image, he shook his head and knocked softly on her door.

When he heard her invite him inside, he slipped through the small opening he made for himself, closing the door behind it.

It only took him moments to walk forward and to her bed, where she was sitting. Thinking back to their childhood days, when he had been sick then, he remembered how he would climb into his sister's bed and just be with her. She and their mother had been the only ones to ever offer him kindness and support and he appreciated it more than she could possibly understand. Needing her comfort now, he spoke softly. "For what it's worth, I think you and Finn would make a great couple." He teased her gently, needing to find humor while he was the way that he was. Kneeling on her mattress suddenly, he pulled the blankets back from the empty side of her bed, slipping beneath them quickly. It was strange for him to come to her now, simply because he had secluded himself from everyone, but he needed her now.

"Kahlan?" He whispered softly, his voice cracking from weakness and emotion, and it sickened him. Ignoring it for now, he glanced to her, his eyes holding fear for the first time in her presence. He had never let it show, but he knew he could be open and honest with her and she wouldn't yell. She wouldn't throw it in his face. "I don't want to die" She wouldn't order him to live, she wouldn't tell him he was a fool or a weakling for feeling. The truth of it was, Asher was just terrified. Sighing softly, he laid down beside her, pulling the blankets up over his shoulder, turning to his side and wrapping his arms around his slim sister. He rested his head on her shoulder, turning more to bury his face into the crook of her neck. He needed her.

"words" idk "tags" kahlan "notes" brother sister bonding

THANK YOU, DUCK @ CAUTION!

[KAHLAN AIDEEN SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #bd003e 8px solid; border-bottom: #bd003e 10px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] 99 PROBLEMS SITTING AT THE WINDOWSEAT IN HER BEDROOM, KAHLAN GLANCED DOWN AT HER BARE FEET, WONDERING IF THE NAIL POLISH WAS DRY YET. GRANTED, SHE HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE FOR SITTING IN THE WINDOW THAT JUST HAPPENED TO OVERLOOK THE POOL AND THE POOL HOUSE, BUT SHE WAS ALSO INTENSELY BORED. SHE'D BEEN A PRISONER IN HER BEDROOM EVER SINCE SHE'D GOTTEN DRUNK AND CONNOR HAD SEEN HER KISS HIS BEST FRIEND FINN. HE'D THREATENED TO MOVE HER DOWNSTAIRS IN TO ELI'S OLD BEDROOM SO SHE'D BE CLOSER TO HIM, AND OF COURSE, SHE'D FOUGHT HIM. SHE WAS A GROWN WOMAN, AND HE WAS TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD. SHE WAS INFURIATED AT HIM, SO SHE'D LOCKED HERSELF IN HER BEDROOM AND IGNORED HIS THREATS TO SHOOT DOWN HER DOOR. SHE DIDN'T DOUBT THAT HE WOULD DO IT, BUT SHE IGNORED HIM ALL THE SAME. SHE'D ALSO TAKEN MATTERS IN HER OWN HANDS WHERE FINN WAS CONCERNED. IF HER BROTHER WANTED TO BE MURDEROUS EVERY TIME HE IMAGINED THE TWO OF THEM TOGETHER, THEN SHE WOULD BE WITH HIM IN HER OWN WAY. THERE WAS CERTAINLY A REBELLIOUS STRAIN IN HER DNA. SHE WAS TYPICALLY EASY TO GET ALONG WITH, ESPECIALLY IN COMPARISON WITH HER OLDER BROTHER, BUT SHE WOULD NOT DO SOMETHING SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO. SHE DIDN'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT SHE WAS FEELING FOR FINN, BUT SHE KNEW SHE NEEDED TO BE WITH HIM. THEY'D CREATED A MUTUAL METHOD OF SEEING ONE ANOTHER, AND IT ESSENTIALLY CONSTITUTED THE TWO OF THEM SNEAKING AROUND SO NO ONE WOULD SEE THEM. IT WAS A FORBIDDEN THING THAT EXCITED HER, AND IT HAD BEEN TOO LONG SINCE SHE'D HAD ANY EXCITEMENT LIKE THAT IN HER LIFE. IT WAS FUN TO IMAGINE HERSELF SLIPPING OUT OF HER BEDROOM WINDOW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO SEE FINN. IT WAS SOMETHING SWEET AND ROMANTIC IN A TIME WHEN HER FAMILY WAS IN AN UPHEAVAL. HE MADE HER HAPPY AND MADE HER FORGET IT ALL, AND SHE NEEDED THAT. GLANCING DOWN IN TO THE BACKYARD, SHE SIGHED, WISHING THE OTHER THINGS IN HER LIFE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED. SHE KNEW CONNOR HAD SENT FINN OUT ON SOME ASSININE JOB OR THE OTHER, JUST TO GET HIM AWAY FROM HER AS SOME SORT OF SKEWED VERSION OF JUSTICE, CONNOR-STYLE. EVENTUALLY HER BROTHER'S OVERDRAMATICS WOULD DIE OFF, AND UNTIL THEN, SHE'D JUST CONTENT HERSELF WITH BEING DEFIANT TO HIM BEHIND HIS BACK. THE THOUGHT MADE HER SMILE DARKLY TO HERSELF AS SHE ROSE FROM THE WINDOWSEAT, GATHERED THE NOVEL SHE'D BEEN READING, AND TUCKED HERSELF UNDER THE SHEETS ON HER BED. A GENTLE KNOCK ON THE DOOR INTERRUPTED HER MID-CHAPTER, AND SHE GLANCED UP CURIOUSLY, BECKONING HER VISITOR INSIDE WITH A, "COME IN." AS THE DOOR SWUNG OPEN, SHE RECOGNIZED HER YOUNGEST BROTHER ASHER, BUT HER EYES WIDENED AT THE SIGHT OF HIM. HE'D SLOWLY BEEN LOSING WEIGHT THANKS TO THE CHEMO HE WAS ENDURING, AND SHE HATED SEEING HIM SO GAUNT, BUT NOW, HIS HEAD WAS COMPLETELY BALD. SHE KNEW HE HADN'T BEEN LOSING HIS HAIR THAT FAST, AND SHE FROWNED WITH CONCERN AS HE CLOSED THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND TRUDGED TOWARD HER. SHE WATCHED HIM WALK TO THE SIDE OF HER BED, AND HER HEART INSTANTLY SWELLED AND BROKE AS SHE LOOKED UP AT HIM. OUT OF ALL OF THE SELWYN SIBLINGS, SHE REMEMBERED ASHER'S CHILDHOOD SICKNESS THE MOST VIVIDLY. SHE WASN'T KEPT FROM HIM, UNLESS SHE WAS IN TRAINING TO BECOME A 'LADY', AND SHE REMEMBERED THE DAYS WHEN HE WOULD COME TO HER ROOM AND FALL ASLEEP WITH HIS HEAD IN HER LAP. THEY WERE BOTH SO YOUNG AND INNOCENT THEN. SHE MISSED DAYS LIKE THAT, ALTHOUGH SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM TO BE SICK. SHE WISHED SHE COULD JUST LOVE THE LUKEMIA OUT OF HIM, BUT ALAS, EVEN HER AFFECTION WASN'T THAT POWERFUL. HEARING HIS WORDS, HER CHEST CONSTRICTED AND SHE BLUSHED LIGHTLY, THINKING FOR A MOMENT THAT HE'D READ HER THOUGHTS FROM ONLY MINUTES BEFORE. THAT WAS SILLY, SHE KNEW, BUT THE GUILT WAS OBVIOUS ON HER FACE. SHE DIDN'T HIDE THINGS WELL FROM ASHER, AND SHE ONLY HOPED THAT HE WAS FEELING ICKY ENOUGH NOT TO NOTICE. HIS WORDS MADE HER SMILE IN SPITE OF HERSELF AS HE PULLED BACK THE BLANKETS AND DRUG HIMSELF UNDERNEATH THEM AND SAT BESIDE HER. "CONNOR WOULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU, AND HE'D PROBABLY SKIN YOU FOR SAYING IT," SHE POINTED OUT WITH AN AMUSED SMIRK. WHILE CONNOR'S BEHAVIOR IRRITATED HER, SHE FOUND IT AMUSING THAT HE THOUGHT HIS ACTIONS WOULD ULTIMATELY AFFECT HER. SHE WAS TOO MUCH LIKE THEIR MOTHER TO ALLOW HIM TO RULE OMNIPOTENTLY OVER HER. AS ASHER SLID IN TO THE BED BESIDE HER, SPEAKING HER NAME SO WEAKLY, HER BROW FURROWED AND HER HEART SPLIT IN TWO AT THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE. SHE WAS VERY MUCH A MOTHER HEN FIGURE, AND SHE ESPECIALLY FELT AFFECTIONATE TOWARD ASHER. HE WAS THE YOUNGEST, AND THE ONE WHO NEEDED HER AFFECTION MORE THAN THE OTHER TWO, SO SHE WAS AN OPEN FOUNT WHEN IT CAME TO HIM. ABSENTLY, TRYING TO PREOCCUPY HERSELF FROM THE HEARTACHE SHE FELT FOR HIM, SHE PULLED THE BLANKETS UP OVER HIS LAP AND REACHED OVER, CURLING HER FINGERS AROUND HIS HAND IN HIS LAP BEFORE LOOKING UP AT HIM. "YEAH?" AS SHE LOOKED AT HIM, MEETING HIS BLUE-EYED GAZE WITH HER GREEN EYES, SHE SAW THE RAW FEAR THERE, AND SHE GENTLY SQUEEZED HIS HAND BEFORE REALIZING IT MIGHT HAVE HURT HIM. EASING HER HOLD INSTANTLY, SHE PULLED HER BOTTOM LIP IN TO HER MOUTH AND BIT IT AS SHE WAITED FOR HIM TO TELL HER WHATEVER HE NEEDED TO GET OFF OF HIS CHEST. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. A SMALL LITTLE WHOOSH OF AIR RELEASED FROM HER LUNGS AS SHE HEARD THOSE WORDS, AND TEARS INSTANTLY ROSE TO HER EYES. "ASHER..." SHE WHISPERED. HE SEEMED TO COLLAPSE IN TO HER BED, PULLING THE BLANKETS OVER HIMSELF, AND SHE SANK DOWN BESIDE HIM, WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HER BABY BROTHER AS HE WRAPPED HIMSELF AROUND HER. HER HAND SLIPPED UP TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, CRADLING HIM AGAINST HER SHOULDER AS HE BURIED HIS FACE IN THE CROOK OF HER NECK. SHE COULDN'T STOP THE TEARS THAT ROLLED DOWN HER FACE, DRIPPING ONTO HIM BEFORE SHE COULD WIPE THEM AWAY. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE," SHE WHISPERED IN RESPONSE, HER VOICE THICK AND TIGHT AND ALMOST TOO WEAK TO RESPONSE. SHE HELD HIM AS TIGHT TO HER AS SHE COULD WITHOUT FEELING AS IF SHE WAS HURTING HIM. LAYING ON HER BACK, SHE HUGGED HIM IN HER ARMS JUST LIKE WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN, AND IT FELT COMPLETELY NATURAL. SHE WOULD NEVER JUDGE HIM FOR NEEDING HER COMFORT, OR ANYONE'S COMFORT FOR THAT MATTER. ASHER WAS HER BABY BROTHER, AND HE ALWAYS WOULD BE, NO MATTER HOW OLD OR MUSCULAR OR WEAK OR TALL OR MANLY HE GOT. "PLEASE DON'T," SHE ADDED, A CHOKED, SAD LAUGH COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH AS SHE RAN HER HAND DOWN HIS NECK AND ACROSS HIS SHOULDERS. tag: asher word count: ### outfit: something cute and kahlan-ish notes: <3

[/td][/tr][/table]

template by tippy of caution.

[/center]

[asher finnegan selwyn]

Asher wasn't a needy person. He didn't seek comfort very often, and even more often than not, he was usually shaking Kahlan away from him when she decided to be the mother hen that she was bred to be. He hated the idea of weakness and the fact that he was the epitome of the word sent him into throws of anger. He hated himself because of it and he hated the fact that he couldn't seem to get rid of this sickness. It had been in the clear. It had been in remission. He had been cancer free from years and yet, here it was again, reclaiming him to fight a fight that he wasn't certain he could win.

Trying not to be negative, especially because of the problems his family was going through now, he focused on the positives. They were treating it vigorously this time. He was going for more treatments then he could count. His siblings were taking turns carting him to his sessions, with Connor bitching the most. He usually passed the role onto another member of the mafia, but Eli had gotten so fed up with it that she was now driving Asher when Connor decided he didn't want to do it. He was certain that it would infuriate his brother when he found out that his brother with leukemia and his wife to be who was eight months pregnant were driving to the hospital clinic together. Thinking about it now in that manner made him smile to himself, but it quickly faded as his sister granted him entry into her room. She had been cooped up lately and Asher knew it was because of Connor. Their brother was ruling with an iron fist and a disconnected attitude lately and Asher felt like he was shutting down in order to keep himself safe. He didn't blame him, not one bit, but he didn't like how controlling he could and would be. He needed to find a balance, and quick, before someone skinned him alive.

Shaking his head at those thoughts, he saw the concerned look that crossed his sister's features, remembering the hair cut he had just given himself. Not thinking that it would look even more foreign to the people around him, he smiled sheepishly.

"Gave myself a hair cut. Maybe we should go hat shopping."

He offered, knowing Kahlan would be the one to ask. Connor would hit him for asking him such a question, and while he was sure Lennox wouldn't refuse, he was also sure that the man would do it out of respect, not because he wanted to. He was certain Lennox would just do it because it was the polite thing to do. Sighing softly, he reached the bed where his sister sat comfortably, reading a book. Remembering their shared childhood together, he wondered what had happened to them recently. While she still fussed over him, he felt disconnected from her at best and he didn't want that. As sad as it sounded, he didn't think that he had much time left here and he didn't want to spend it making her hate him. While he wanted to distance himself because it would make things so much easier for his siblings in case he did in fact die, he didn't know if he could handle their anger if he did decide to go down that path. He didn't want to cause anymore problems, and he would be doing exactly that if he shut himself away. Trying to figure this out was causing him a head ache, and he looked at Kahlan, absolutely spent.

As she took his hand, Asher felt no pain, which was welcomed for once. He was usually numb for a few hours after treatment before the pain really hit him, and that would be when he shut himself away so no one else would have to hear him cry out. She let go of him quickly, before he could squeeze her hand in return and his eyes softened as he gave her a reassuring smile. "It didn't hurt." He didn't want her to think that he was that fragile, but he also knew that his current state of being wasn't helping his case at all. He looked awful. It wasn't an exaggeration.

When he saw the tears rise to her eyes after he spoke his fears that he could voice to no one else, he instantly sank down into her bed with her, wrapping himself in her blankets and her arms as he used to do when he was younger. Cuddling into her didn't feel foreign or strange because they had done it when they were younger as well. She was the only one besides their mother that he could actually go to without being shut down or shut out, or belittled. Trying not to think about Connor and Kyson and how they had treated him while he was sick, he closed his eyes tightly against the tears as Kahlan held him close. When she spoke, he sucked in a sharp breath, holding it for a moment. He didn't let it go until he felt her gently rubbing his back, bringing him a comfort that no one else had been able to provide him yet.

As she pleaded with him, he matched her laugh with his own gentle one, turning slightly so that his face was no longer hidden. "I'll try my hardest not to Kahlan. I promise." He spoke softly, and then tried to lighten the mood a bit. He hated bringing her down. While he wanted to be serious for once about his sickness, he couldn't help himself. His defense was to change the subject. It always had been. So now, as he lay in his sister's arms, he spoke quietly, just wanting her to smile again. He hated doing this to her.

"Don't tell Connor I said that, or he'll lock me in here with you." Asher explained to her, glancing to her as he added his next comment. "Although I can be your look out for when you need to sneak out to see lover boy."

"words" idk "tags" kahlan "notes" brother sister bonding

THANK YOU, DUCK @ CAUTION!

[KAHLAN AIDEEN SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #bd003e 8px solid; border-bottom: #bd003e 10px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] 99 PROBLEMS kahlan smiled as asher mentioned hat shopping. he had the habit of lightening a mood with his humor, and she appreciated it. connor and lennox took everything so seriously, in different ways, and she remembered how nice it was to be around asher because of his sense of humor. not that her other brothers didn't know how to laugh, but they had allowed their lives as adults to overpower their ability to see the sweeter things in life. when she pulled her hand away from him, he informed her she didn't hurt him, so she naturally reached for him again. intertwining her fingers with his, she leaned back as he put his head on her shoulder and she tried to keep from crying. she remembered one night in particular when they were kids when she was eight and he was five or six, when he'd had a nightmare. he'd still been weak from his sickness then, and he instinctively knew he couldn't run to their parents when he had bad dreams. it sickened kahlan that their own parents couldn't be his solace since that was what parents were for, but she took on the role gladly. she remembered the rotating lights of the lamp she'd had at the time - stars, unicorns, and rainbow outlines - as they slowly revolved the room. she'd been leaning against her pink bedboard, and asher had his head against her side and almost in her lap. he'd been taller than her for most of their lives, but this was before he'd gained those inches on her and he'd actually been smaller, thinner, more frail. it was the one time in her life when kahlan wasn't the small one. asher hadn't lost his hair that time, but it had been trimmed short throughout his childhood, and she remembered running her fingers over the buzz cut as he cried silently in to the blankets in her lap, believing she couldn't hear him. but she didn't have to hear him. she could feel his shoulders shake gently, she could feel the pitter patter of his tears on the fabric stretched taut over her thighs. she'd sat there in the darkness, in the middle of the night, not falling asleep until his shoulders finally stopped moving and he began snoring gently against her. kahlan's laughed came out as a choked sound as he told her not to tell connor what he'd said or he'd be locked up in her room with her. "because connor's an idiot, that's why," she replied bitterly. asher's next comment took her off guard, however, and she blushed profusely as he glanced over at her. seeing the glint in his eyes, she wondered if he actually knew what her plans were or if he'd somehow seen her. asher wasn't stupid, and his room was on the same side of the house as hers. she really was bad at this deception thing. laughing and shaking her head, she put a finger to her lips and shushed him. "i would never do that. i'm sweet, little kahlan, asher. how dare you suggest such a thing?" she replied, giggling gently. sobering slightly, she glanced subconsciously toward the window before looking back at him and sighing quietly. "connor's making a bigger deal out of it all than he needs to. you'd think he'd be happy," she commented. she was aware of both finn's and connor's history with women, but she was blissfully unaware of just how extensive it was. she knew very little of the details simply because she didn't want to. connor didn't share those things with her, and she'd never cared to ask him. she knew how he was before he fell in love with eli. she didn't know how finn really felt about her, and she was horrible at reading men because she was woefully inexperienced with them. she didn't know if she was finn's 'eli' or not. she didn't know if she wanted to be. she didn't know what to feel. it was confusing enough wanting to kiss him and be around him all the time, in ways she'd never wanted before. she'd always been happy to just 'be' with finn, to just exist with him. he was her best friend, in a different way than he was connor's friend, and they'd always shared that teasing, bantering relationship, but it had never been more. she'd rolled her eyes over girls throwing themselves at him during the summers in the hamptons when they were teenagers, and he'd been a jerk and run off every guy who flirted with her throughout high school, but there was never anything there. or she'd been in constant denial. he was off-limits, just as she was to him, because of her family and because he was connor's best friend. it was an unspoken agreement that her drunken alter ego seemed not to have gotten the memo about. shaking her head slightly, she looked down at asher and gently ran her free hand across his shoulders. "well, how about you? you're not going to turn in to lennox and become a priest are you?" she teased, smiling at her younger brother. tag: asher word count: ### outfit: something cute and kahlan-ish notes: <3

[/td][/tr][/table]

template by tippy of caution.

[/center]