embrace the world in grey || CONNOR

[asher finnegan selwyn]

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sometimes solutions aren't so simple

"I'm sorry Mr. Selwyn, but your leukemia has come back. I've discussed what I can with you now, but I will be calling you later for what we can do for possible treatment options. I am so very sorry."

Asher stared blankly ahead of him, not really registering the doctor's face in front of him. Furrowing his brow, he frowned, his heart skipping a beat as the woman tried to explain to him that his cancer was already at such an increased stage that they needed to start treatment as soon as possible.

"But...how..how can this be? They said that the chance of it coming back were slim to none...I don't understand."

He spoke, his voice hardly above a whisper as his fingers clutched to the arms of the chair he was sitting in, his knuckles turning white from the grip. The woman's eyes softened in front of him and his stomach flipped as he grew sick from her obvious pity. He was a young man in his prime, affected by this affliction. She couldn't even begin to understand the kind of position this news put him in. Without waiting for her response, Asher was up from the chair, unable to handle the misery that was settling over his heart. How was he going to tell his family? How was he going to tell his brothers, his sister, his mother? Connor would never look at him the same again...he didn't know if Kahlan could look at him without crying and he didn't know what Lennox would do. Sucking in a painful breath, he watched as his fingers shook as he reached for the door handle. Feeling like he was going to be sick, he ignored the raised voice of the doctor behind him, slamming his hand into the handle that opened to the stairwell. Flying down them, he didn't stop until he reached the fresh air of the outside world. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't be sick again.

He'd never make it.

He couldn't tell his family. He had to hide it from them because he couldn't face their reactions. Reaching his motorcycle, he wasted no time in starting it up, revving the engine and peeling out of the parking space despite the blare of horns behind him. He was being reckless, but he couldn't stop himself now. Swerving in and out of traffic, he reached the mansion in record time, pulling into his designated parking place and running inside before anyone could see him.

Throwing his helmet against the wall as he finally got to the safety of his room, he let out a yell of frustration and anguish, realizing just what this meant for him. Every time he could prove himself to his brother, he failed in some way. Absolutely sick, he let the helmet stay where it was, staring at the crack that he had created in the wall. Kicking off his shoes, he changed into sweat pants and an old tee shirt, hauling himself into bed as he tried to stomach what was going to happen to him now. Sucking in another breath, he let it out slowly and closed his eyes tightly, covering himself with the blankets as he tried to understand this new misery. What he didn't know was that the doctor was calling one of the emergency contacts he had listed without really thinking it through. He had given the medical staff permission to discuss his records with whoever he listed as a contact and he basically threw himself under the bus.

"Is this Mr. Connor Selwyn?"

The doctor's voice was clear and strong as the man on the other end picked up the phone. She drew in a shaky breath though, and finally gave the information she had meant to tell this man's brother.

"I'm sorry for the interruption to your day sir, but this is Dr. Reyna Landry calling. Your brother, Asher, just left my office in a state of distress and I couldn't stop him. I was in the process of explaining possible treatments for him because we do really need to get started right away."

She explained, thinking that this man knew what she was talking about. When she was questioned, she paused, hesitating a fraction of a second before she announced the news that Asher never wanted to share with his eldest brother in the first place.

"Asher's leukemia has returned sir. He let it go for far too long and it's traveled to his lymphnodes. We need to...sir? Hello...?"

The line had gone dead, and the doctor hung up the phone in absolute frustration. This was not going to be an easy case to deal with, that was for certain.

template by sophia. Graphic by mag.

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[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] loosening the black skinny tie around his neck, connor stood staring at his reflection in the mirror. his black hair had begun to grow out until it curled on top of his head, and it was gelled to keep it in perfect order. his personality wouldn't lead one to believe he was a well-dressed man who cared what he looked like, but oh how he was. deep in his mind, the lessons of his mother lurked, and she'd always taught her children to dress well. looking good was part of succeeding in life, and dressing cleanly and neatly was a major part of this. having just returned from a business meeting with lennox and eli as his companions, connor was bedecked in a light gray suit with a black shirt and black tie beneath. removing his jacket, he tossed it aimlessly onto the bed behind him, thankful he was alone while eli ran some errands with lennox at her side. he refused to let her out of the house by herself, and he knew it pissed her off, but she was lucky he didn't watch her every move. ever since they'd found out she was having twins, he was somehow even more protective of her than before. it was borderline neurotic, but he didn't care. his protectiveness was how he showed affection since he failed at showing it as any normal human being might. he wasn't like most men. his life and family had turned him into a veritable monster, and few things kept him human. his family was that link to his humanity: eli, kahlan, asher, and lennox (although he was regretful to admit it and would never say it out loud). as he stared emotionlessly at himself in the mirror, his cellphone began to ring. he was so out of it, so exhausted from the mental trudge through paperwork over the last two hours, that he didn't hear the ring until it was halfway through the ringtone and almost to voicemail. answering it curtly, he held it to his ear, frowning at the woman's name. why was a doctor calling him? his thoughts instantly went to eli even though he didn't recognize the doctor's name. "i'm connor selwyn. what do you want?" it was rude, and typical of him, to answer in such a fashion, but his rudeness came out when he got worried. just like his anger. the woman's next words brought him up short. asher. this had to do with asher, but that didn't make any sense. asher was perfectly fine. then the facts clicked in to place - asher's sickness as a child, the thread that kept him unwound from the other three, older selwyns - and connor's jaw tightened visibly in the mirror. treatments. "why... do you need to get started right away?" he asked, his voice edged with anger like a blade. it was rising within him too fast to control. his hand gripped the phone involuntarily, his knuckles turning white as the doctor explained the lukemia returning. he knew precisely the severity of the situation the moment he heard the explanation, and his body reacted out of instinct, sending the cellphone crashing into the mirror in front of him. it shattered with such force that plastic flew everywhere and sent a vein through the mirror. it's been said it's bad luck to break a mirror. he stalked out of the bedroom, leaving the door hanging on its hinges, his mind zeroing in on his target as it did when he went in to battle. he took the stairs like a panther on a hunt, climbing to asher's bedroom with the silence born to a predator. his fist hit the door - why bother knocking anyway? - and it swung open with such force it was driven into the wall as he burst in to his youngest brother's room. knowing asher was the mass beneath the blankets on his bed, he grabbed them and roughly tore them from his brother's burly form, tossing them on the floor at the foot of the bed. rage seethed behind his green eyes as he hit asher's shoulder with force, turning him to his back on the bed and pinning him violently to the pillows. "I'm half-tempted to strangle you for the phone call i just received," he hissed into his brother's face, his body trembling with rage. shoving down on asher's shoulders, he pushed himself up from the bed and turned his back on his brother, stalking across the room in angry silence. his fist punched the wall hard, so hard it stung his knuckles, but he didn't feel it. he was too angry, and worried, to feel anything else. notes, angry!connor </3 word count, *lazy* thanks brooklyn from shine

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[asher finnegan selwyn]

[style=width:300px; height: 300px; background: url(http://i49.tinypic.com/iejzth.png)]

sometimes solutions aren't so simple

He didn't want to think. He didn't want to wonder about what was going to happen to him now. She had said that the cancer had spread to his lymphnodes and he honestly didn't understand what they meant for him. Did it mean he didn't have much time left? Closing his blue eyes painfully, he let out a small sigh, clinging to his pillow as if his life depended on it. He didn't want to cry, but the hopelessness of this situation was overwhelming him. He had already been through this battle once and it had been the hardest thing that he had ever been through. His mother had been with him step for step through it all, but it did nothing to assuage his worries. His family had been disappointed. They hadn't even wanted to be around him and he had been naturally secluded. His father had never looked at him the way that he looked at Connor. Connor had never viewed him as a capable sibling and he was unsure of what Kahlan and Lennox would think. He couldn't do this again. He just couldn't do it.

The treatments were going to be hard with awful side affects and since he didn't want to drag his family into this now, he was going to have to find a way to deal with them himself. Asher let out a sigh of frustration, curling himself up into a tighter ball as he tried to figure out how he was going to deal with the cancer that didn't seem to want to leave him alone. The reality of the situation hadn't truly sunken in yet, but once it did, he was going to be miserable and frustrated. He just wanted to be healthy, and he finally had started. He was actually built and in the best physical shape he had ever been in during his entire life. He was the gun runner, and he was rather good at it. He couldn't get sick like this now because then he'd never have a job.

He didn't have long to muse over it all however, for his door was suddenly bursting open with a force that sent his heart skipping. Reaching for the pillow beside him, he lunged for the knife that was hidden there, trying to wrestle it free as he was suddenly hauled over and onto his back. Raising the knife in a way of defense, he was already breathing heavily because of the cancer that was affecting him and he stared up into the furious eyes of his eldest brother. "Connor." He breathed out in relief, but worry, letting the knife fall to the ground on the other side of the bed with a clatter. Swallowing past the rising lump in his throat, he cringed as his brother pushed down hard into his shoulders, despite the mattress being soft beneath him. One of the reasons he had gone to the doctor was because any touch he received sent shooting pains through his skin, and it certainly wasn't letting up now. Resisting the urge to cry out, he swallowed his pain and took it in silence, his blue eyes the only things giving away the agony that he felt. As Connor snarled in his face, Asher's brow furrowed in confusion.

What kind of phone call would Connor get that would infuriate him this much?

Sitting up slowly as his brother finally released him with a shove, he flinched as the man punched the wall, right beside the dent that Asher had already put in it. "Connor, stop. What are you talking about?" He knew that Connor's anger was misplaced. Something was obviously bothering him and for the life of him, he couldn't figure it out. "Did something go wrong with the last gun run? I did everything by the book. The money's in my closet, where it always is.." He couldn't even begin to fathom what it could be since his mind was leading him down the right track. He didn't even register that he had put Connor's name and number down for an emergency contact with his doctor. Pushing himself from the bed, he felt absolutely exhausted already and he knew in his heart that this cancer was going to be worse than what he was afflicted with when he was a child.

Standing on shaking legs, he hurried as best as he could across the room and grabbed his brother's shoulder. "Connor, what phone call?" He questioned him, still trying to wrap his mind around what in the world could be bothering him like this. He didn't understand what was going on right now, but he felt his secret, his lies, weighing heavily on his shoulders. It was stifling, but he knew that he couldn't tell Connor. He couldn't face his reaction, his disappointment. He just couldn't do that now.

template by sophia. Graphic by mag.

[/style]

[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] he didn't realize he was physically hurting asher as he shoved him roughly into the bed. rather, he knew he was strangling him, but he didn't understand the intricacies of the cancer that made his brother's body hurt all over. he hadn't been around when asher went through his treatments as a child. kyson had kept them carefully, strategically, apart to prevent connor's weakness. kyson had always seen his youngest son's ailment as a weak link in their family, and connor was his soldier. he was the physical strength of their family. in kyson's mind, connor and asher were foils of one another: the strength and the weakness. they had a similar fire to their personalities that lennox did not share, but asher's sickness was unacceptable. never having known this, connor was simply a loyal soldier. he always had been. his brother's sickness didn't affect him directly, and connor was only affected by other people as they affected his life. his life was a self-centered, twisted thing. people became a part of his life, not the other way around. he'd never been sentimental, not like kahlan or lennox, so he didn't bond with asher through sympathy. he believed sympathy was as weak as love, that no strength could be found in it. his entire life, he'd mocked both emotions - never wanting to feel either or have them felt for him - and only recent years in his life had taught him a differing point of view. he understood hardness. he understood not compromising. he understood strength. he couldn't understand a weakness someone could be born with because he had no weakness. he honestly believed this. how could he know better? when was his opportunity to learn he was mortal? but asher was mortal. he was reminded of this now that kyson was gone and asher was his responsibility. they were adults, but asher was his blood and his employee. he was the youngest, and weak in ways even kahlan wasn't, and it was a concept connor could not grasp. he didn't understand how this, this recurring cancer, could be allowed back in to his brother's life. there had to be some way to simply will oneself to never be sick again. the power of will had to be stronger than the power of nature. selwyns were strong, their will was strong, and asher's sickness was beneath them. his anger stemmed from an inability to show love. he was out of touch with the emotion he'd never felt before eli, and how is a man to express something he has never been bedfellows with? he cared about his brother, which inherently became a weakness in his eyes, leading to a never-ending spiral of caring and hating simultaneously. he released asher with a relish, driving his fist powerfully into the wall as was his habit when he was angry. his recently healed hand - having been broken from the same poor behavior the day konstantine had attacked eli in the bridal shop - stung and blossomed in a protest of pain that he ignored. he welcomed pain. he was accustomed to pain. he was not accustomed to worry and concern. connor ignored asher's questions as he clung to his sanity - what actually existed to it - and reined himself in. it was like calming a bloodthirsty, rabid mountain lion. his anger and worry seethed against one another, building and coiling like a poison within his chest and his mind. he clenched his teeth, the doctor's words running through his mind over again. treatments... lukemia... lymphnodes... death, he understood. he had administered death. he had witnessed death. his own father ordering him to shoot him through the head would haunt him for the rest of his existence. he saw the faces of every one of his victims, some of them blurred in to one another through the haze of his rage, but he knew them. there was a purpose to every one of them. asher's death would serve no purpose. connor's life depended on purpose. he couldn't accept a meaningless end. he could accept brutality, but he could not accept senselessness. he couldn't accept disorder, the sort of disorder that was going on within his brother's cells. asher's hand on his shoulder was a touch that caused him great pain and irritation. that touch from his younger brother was welcomed and spurned simultaneously. his desire to bond with his brother was deep-rooted and strong, but his mental inefficiency to show affection told him he was weak and sentimental for wanting to comfort his sibling. the touch was a bond between them, the bond of their shared blood that raced beneath the surface of their skin. blood above all. but asher's blood was tainted. tainted by an enemy connor could not fight. an enemy who could best him. he turned as asher's question reached his mind from a distant place, and his green eyes were unreadable due to the wild plethora of emotions passing through their emerald depths. his jaw clenched and he reacted out of instinct, his hand snaking around the back of asher's neck and gripping him firmly, holding him in place. asher was taller than him, but that didn't matter. he was a man of few words, and his jaw tightened wordlessly. suddenly, he pulled his youngest sibling toward him, his arms crushing asher to his chest as he felt as if his own body would crumble from the feeling of impotence that washed through him. he shook with anger and fear as he held asher against him, feeling as if he could almost sense the loss of his brother's life even as they stood chest to chest. he felt asher's heart beat against him, imagined that heart stopping as their father's had, but for reasons connor couldn't accept. asher's heart would stop because of a faceless enemy connor could not best. kyson had died by choice like a warrior should die. finally, he released his younger brother, pushing him away and straightening his own clothes as he glared up into asher's face. "i will not receive another phone call telling me my brother is dying without hearing the truth from you first," he stated firmly and flatly, his voice expertly veiling any emotion he may feel. "this doesn't get to kill you. it won't kill you, do you hear me? there isn't a fucking way in Hell you won't beat this, do you hear me?" it was a command. it was an order: survive or i will make you survive. he couldn't accept asher's death. not like this. he wouldn't. he was too stubborn to do so. he would spend any amount of earth on the planet to prevent it. he would literally do anything. he would not, or could not, psychoanalyze himself, so he didn't know where the fierceness came from. to analyze it would be to admit it stemmed from love and fear for his brother, and his mind couldn't accept that sentimental truth. so he fought against what he could fight against: death. notes, oh my goodness. where did this even come from. word count, *lazy* thanks brooklyn from shine

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[asher finnegan selwyn]

[style=width:300px; height: 300px; background: url(http://i49.tinypic.com/iejzth.png)]

sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Asher stood there wordlessly, trying in vain to understand what was traveling through his brother's mind at this moment in time. He couldn't grasp the fact that his brother was seething and hurting simultaneously because he had heard the news of his brother's impending death. Asher knew the odds this time around, and they weren't good. He had to accept the fact that he might not be able to fight this time. He might not have the strength to beat this raging enemy inside of himself. He was tired, exhausted even. He knew that it was weak of him and he didn't want to appear to be that way in front of his family, but the idea of fighting that battle all over again overwhelmed him. It petrified him. Memories of the pain he had silently endured, of the loneliness and segregation he had felt and been subjected to because of his sickness came flooding back full force, and as Connor battled his inner demons, Asher tried in vain to face his.

He couldn't go through this alone again. He knew in his heart that he himself wasn't strong enough to survive this cancer by himself. His mother had been the reason he had lived, and without her here to guide him, to bolster his energy and his confidence, he was afraid that he would fail miserably. As his haunted blue eyes stared at Connor's back soullessly, he tried to cling to some semblance of hope. They hadn't discussed treatments yet, they hadn't discussed just how far the cancer had spread. He might had weeks, he might have months, he might have years. He could hope, couldn't he? Where was the harm in hoping?

But there was an easy answer to that question, unlike the other questions that spread haphazardly through his mind.

There was harm in hoping. He was foolish for thinking otherwise. Hope was not a solid thing. It didn't have a guaranteed outcome, there was no positive solution. Asher felt the bile rising in the back of his throat as he stood there, the absolute hopelessness rising through his stomach, to his chest, to the back of his throat. He was failing his family again. He wasn't gifted with the Selwyn strength and there had to be a reason for that. It was survival of the fittest, wasn't it? And for some reason, he had been determined not fit enough to survive in this war infected family. They never had to fight the war that Asher had to fight. He didn't think highly of himself because he had come out the victor before. He considered himself lucky, but fate had obviously had a different plan for him. Maybe the sting involving Shasta was a test of his worth, of his value to the family, and now that he had failed, life had decided it had run its course through his veins. This was his punishment.

His empty eyes tried desperately to focus on Connor's face as the shorter man turned around to face him. It was in this moment that he took in the similarities between himself and his older brother. Truth be told, they were the two that looked the most alike, but they couldn't be more different, as Kyson had pointed out time and time again behind closed doors with his wife. Asher had listened. He had heard every disappointing insult that had come from that man's mouth concerning his youngest child. But what did Asher expect? The man was used to power, he was used to success. Not a child that he had failed with. Not a child that he had to keep behind closed doors because any wrong move could send him into a coffin. Asher felt the emotions welling up in the back of his throat as he thought about what this meant for his budding relationship with Connor. Neither of them showed love, not usually. Asher was more quiet when it came to his disdain for the emotion. He didn't share in Connor's brash behavior when dealing with love. He swallowed it quietly, never having felt it from the people he had idolized at such a young age. It was a useless emotion. He just never voiced his opinion.

Their fire, their drive...these were all things that they shared at different times, at different levels. Connor's intensity was only felt inside of Asher when the younger Selwyn was at his angriest. He was easily riled like his older brother, his temper was difficult to control like his brother, but Asher realized now that he was clinging to useless wishes. He could and would never be Connor. He was never going to be as strong as he was. He was never going to be as bloodthirsty, as married to his lifestyle as he was. Asher didn't know what he wanted, he never had. It was the reason why he had bounced from place to place, never truly having something to call his own. He lived in the shadows of his siblings for years and years, and now he was going to leave them behind with just a shadow of his memory. Maybe they would be better off.

However, as Connor lifted his hand and grasped the back of his neck, Asher's eyes widened in surprise and shock. Connor was willingly touching him and not in a way that was meant to bring him any harm. If anything, Asher could only feel the desperation in the tremors that radiated through Connor's arm and his body. The needles, sharp and strong, were there at his older brother's touch, but he didn't dare cry out in discomfort. Pain blossomed in his eyes but he refused to let it win. Pushing it down despite the nauseous feeling it gave him, he let his lips part soundlessly as he tried to understand what Connor wanted from him in that moment. And as the man, so cold, so distant, pulled him into his chest, Asher knew.

Connor knew that he had cancer.

The thought pulsated through his mind over and over again and Asher closed his eyes in dismay, wrapping his arms around his brother as Connor embraced him as he never had before. Tears, hot and fresh, pricked at the back of Asher's eyes as he realized the true horror to his situation, but he managed to compose himself in the moments that Connor pushed him away. The embrace meant more than words ever could to the youngest Selwyn, and he turned his lifeless eyes to look into his brother's as the man announced that Asher had no choice in the matter. That the phone call Connor had received was only a way to get everything started in Asher's battle. But it seemed this time, he was not alone. For some reason, despite the disgust Asher was sure Connor felt at the sickness in his brother's veins, Connor was still going to be by his side in this. Tilting his head in slight question, he composed himself and managed to respond to Connor's words.

"I hear you Connor."

His words were soft, they sounded weak even to himself. Furrowing his brow, he let his gaze shoot down to the ground as his hands shook in response to the sickness traveling through his veins like a wildfire. "I have to make a decision on what to do. I have to go back to the doctor's tomorrow, to discuss treatment options. To discuss what exactly I'm facing. You don't....Connor, you don't have to concern yourself with this." He finished bravely, raising his head in a proud and defiant way. He couldn't show weakness in front of his brother. Not when he was the strongest person Asher knew.

"You've got enough on your plate with Eli and everything else. I'll be fine by myself." He finished stubbornly. He tried to hide the fear in his voice as he announced that this would be his struggle and his struggle alone. He would not pull Connor down with him because he knew how uncomfortable it would make the man. Sighing softly, he stood there, looking already like the shell of the man he had once been, and he forced a smile onto his face. "You can't get rid of me that easily. It'll be just like before." He explained to him, leaving vital key components out. Last time, the cancer hadn't spread to his lymphnodes. But he wasn't going to give over that information. Connor didn't need to know the fine details. No one needed to know. With that thought, his heart skipped a beat and he turned his worried eyes down to his brother's.

"You can't tell Kahlan and Lennox. Not yet. At least not until I figure out what exactly is going to happen. Promise Connor. You have to promise. You weren't even supposed to know."

template by sophia. Graphic by mag.

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[CONNOR GREGORY SELWYN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 350px; height: 380px; background-color:#E3E3E3; border-left: 30px solid #883a2f; border-bottom:30px solid #883a2f; border-top:30px solid #883a2f; border-right: 30px solid #883a2f;] "i'm already concerned with this. i'm already tied up in it," connor stated flatly in argument to his brother's words. sometimes he didn't understand arguing because he saw things clear cut and straightforward. despite his flaws and shortcomings, connor was ultimately simple. at least he understood himself. he knew what he hated and he knew what he cared about, and he knew the two didn't coincide within his head. sentiment made him angry, but he felt it all the same. so when asher tried to sidestep his words, tried to say he would go through this alone, connor looked at his brother with sincere confusion in his eyes. he was already a part of this. there was no removing him from it now. "you're not by yourself because you're in my house, you're part of my family," he pointed out simply. it was black and white to him. he would do anything to protect asher, just as he would do anything to protect eli or kahlan, or even lennox. "blood above all." the statement was a simple one, often recited among the selwyns. it was a saying that had materialized among them and had immortalized itself in their souls. it meant more than just the simple words. it was their motto, their legacy. it was who they were. any of them would, literally, shake the world for their family if it came to that. the power of their familial loyalty was unshakable. they had done horrible things to one another, but when it came down to it, it was family above all: blood above all. as asher shrugged it off, stating it would be the same as before, connor's eyebrows raised imperceptibly as his arms crossed over his chest. he honestly didn't know what asher had been through. their father had made sure of that. he'd known connor would develop sentimentality if he allowed that to happen, so he'd ostracized them from one another. he'd led asher to believe connor thought he was weak and led connor to believe asher wasn't worthy. connor had developed his own opinions about his little brother, and he'd never been concerned about him until recent years when they'd really become a part of one another's lives. no other two selwyns could be farther apart and yet so similar. even lennox and connor had been closer in proximity than asher had been to his oldest brother. he'd been cloistered, sheltered, and guarded like a breakable family jewel instead of a man. on the flip side, connor had been the spear point of the family's militaristic side, the edge to their blade of violence. kahlan was their heart, and lennox was their mind. kyson had groomed his children into a well-oiled machine without letting any of them know it. he had also ruined them. he had bestowed them with the ability to love deeply and powerfully, but he'd trained his sons that love was a weak thing. his example of love with their mother was the most powerful thing connor had ever seen, but somehow, his father had convinced him that it was a sentiment that would weaken him. he'd pushed kahlan to love more than she should - in connor's eyes she was too sweet, his weakness because he felt the innate desire to protect her, to be the demon so she could be the angel - and lennox was a stoic mind of a man instead of a feeling individual. the only emotion they were allowed to proudly express was their anger, and their selwyn temper was encouraged. connor remained impassive as asher begged him to keep this news a secret. "then you will tell them. they need to hear it from you," he pointed out flatly. he didn't push asher as far as he pushed lennox, but his tone was clear and insistent all the same. it wasn't a request. he didn't ask for things. "i can't keep anything from kahlan, and she refuses to allow a secret to remain among us. you know how she is." he shrugged his shoulders slightly and resisted the urge to roll his eyes but failed. his brain kicked in to planning mode, trying to figure out a way to defeat asher's lukemia, replacing his fear and worry with a focus. deep down, he still knew there was nothing he could do but throw money at it and hope it would go away, but debating how to heal his brother kept his mind off of his impotence in the situation. notes, i knew i couldn't do it again *fail* word count, *lazy* thanks brooklyn from shine

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[asher finnegan selwyn]

[style=width:300px; height: 300px; background: url(http://i49.tinypic.com/iejzth.png)]

sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Desperation filled his blue green eyes as Connor stated that he was already involved in this. Asher didn't know what to do. His brother didn't understand. He didn't know what he was getting himself into. It was easier for him to stay out of it, for him not to get involved more than he already was. He would not be Connor's weakness. He refused to allow that to happen. He needed to be strong enough to face this, to fight this by himself. "You can't be Connor. You have to understand. This isn't a fight that you have to fight." He explained as strongly, as bravely as he could. He was terrified, there was no doubting it. He was certain that the fear was apparent in his eyes as he stood across from his oldest brother. This was the brother that had become increasingly close to in the years that passed, the brother that he had lost and then found all over again. He didn't want to lose him, he didn't want to push him away when they finally were coming together, but it was safer this way. This way, if Asher didn't make it, Connor wouldn't be that devastated.

"This isn't something that you can protect me from, as much as you want to." He said softly, knowing it was going to anger the man, but not knowing how else to put it. Asher's body, his blood, was failing him. The blood that was supposed to be pure, that was supposed to be strong, was slowly turning on him, destroying him from the inside out. He was dying because of his traitorous body, not because of a gun shot wound, or a stabbing, or anything else. This was not self inflicted. It wasn't inflicted by anyone. For some reason, Asher had been cursed with this, with weakness from birth. Kyson had recognized it and kept him separated from the rest of the family. He had known somehow that Asher would be the link that destroyed them because of his sickness and he wished now he had just followed his father's wishes and stayed away. Looking down at his hands for a moment, he brought his gaze back up in a flash as Connor announced that Asher was not by himself, that he was part of Connor's family.

Wordlessly, he shook his head slowly at his brother's words. How was he going to make him understand? Connor refused to believe that Asher would lose to this sickness, but they needed to be realistic. Panic filled him as he remembered what the doctor told him and he felt like he was drowning, suffocating from the fear that he had never felt like this before. "Connor. It's bad, it's really bad. It wasn't even this bad when I was a child. It's farther than it's..." His voice cracked, failing him like the weakling he was. Lowering his gaze as his eyes welled up with tears from his fear, from his misery, he shook his head back and forth, trying to regain his composure, trying to gain a handle on himself in his brother's presence. If he was going to cry, he wanted to cry on his own. He didn't want anyone to see him at his lowest point, but here was the man that he wanted to prove himself to the most, watching him break down before his very eyes. Asher clenched his fists as he stood there, feeling his joints ache painfully from the simple gesture. As the pain radiated through him, an anguished gasp left his lips before he could even hope to stop it, and he looked to his brother, his eyes still welled with tears. "Everything hurts so much already." It was a weak statement, but he had no choice. He had to explain himself.

Shaking his head once more, he forced himself to blink furiously, clearing the tears from his eyes before Connor grew sick of him. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled softly, slowly, trying to get his racing heart to slow as it made his breath come short and hard. Focusing on getting his breath back calmed him more than he thought it would, and he was grateful for the momentary distraction. However, Connor brought everything crashing back as he announced that Asher had to tell the family. Looking at his brother straight in the eye, he gave a small shake of his head. "You weren't even supposed to find out. I can't tell them." He repeated, the stubborn Selwyn streak coming forth at the exact wrong moment. He didn't want to see them in pain and this news was going to do just that. Lennox wouldn't be as expressive as Kahlan or even Connor. He never was, but it was his silence that hurt Asher the most. He hated it. Kahlan would want to take care of him, and her hovering would drive him crazy. He knew it would because she only cared, but he couldn't handle that attention now. He just needed time. "I need time Connor." He told him honestly. However, unfortunately, time wasn't really on their side when it came to what Asher was battling.

When his brother said he couldn't keep anything from Kahlan, that he knew how she was, Asher nodded miserably. "I know but...it's going to break her heart." He concluded, showing the real reason as to why he didn't want anyone to know. He didn't want anyone to hurt. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. He had to understand.

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