((R))NOW I'VE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY -SAXTON-

[SLOAN ANISE TARGARYEN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; height: 500px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdjok1I9U51qd213qo1_500.jpg); border: 0px solid #414141;] Whoever said that beauty’s on the inside is a liar no, it's not true. it can't be true. it's not true. stumbling down one of the many hallways on the cruise ship, sloan supported herself with a hand against the wall and her other hand over her chest. she wouldn't believe it. that stupid blond bitch just wanted to get beneath her skin. she should have killed sloan when she got the chance. images of scout and nixon standing over her after they tossed her to the floor ran through her mind like a movie reel. she wasn't afraid of either of them. she'd almost killed nixon, and she'd do it all over again if given the chance. she never should have called scout and told her where he was. she should have never given the bastard a chance to live. but she had. for some reason even she didn't understand, she'd given scout that call and told her where he was. she'd told her how long he had to live. the pride in her heart told her it was because she wanted to rub it in the pretty little blond's face. she wanted someone else to feel loss. nixon was already gone, out of his mind in his addiction to the heroin she'd fed to him for months, when she'd abandoned him in ghana. she hadn't honestly believed he would live. she hadn't honestly believed scout would go to him, halfway around the world. she didn't know that sort of love - or any kind of love - existed. no one would do that for her. she knew that wasn't true. there was one person who would do that for her, or at least, at one time, he would have. she doubted he would now. she'd told him she couldn't be loved, and didn't know how to return love, and he'd shut himself off from her once and for all. that was why this horrible truth could not be true. pushing rudely past a couple, she shoved her way into one of the suites on the boat, making sure that she was alone before she locked the door behind her. tearing at her clothes, she almost ripped the pearl-colored bodice on her dress in a desperate attempt to disrobe herself. without giving it a moment to fall completely to the floor, she was stepping out of it and racing for the bathroom mirror. the entire time she was in ghana, she'd felt nauseous and hungrier than usual, coupled with irrational mood swings and hot flashes. however, the african country swarmed with varmints that didn't exist in the states, and the heat had been practically unbearable. everyone was hot, so her hot flashes weren't significant. her eating habits were decidedly american compared to the natives who dug for gold under her order, so she didn't think much about the fact that she wanted more to eat than those poorly fed people. she'd siphoned nixon's money - unwittingly using the illegal money he'd garnered through the ponzi scheme she'd helped him create and ultimately clearing the evidence from him altogether, which had not been her intention in the least - and she'd supplied herself with every edible luxury she craved while in africa. the stolen money easily paid for her food and the drugs she used in an attempt to kill him, so she thought nothing of it. she was bloated from the heat and humidity, there was no other excuse. but now, she had scout's words in her mind, and she couldn't avoid them. staring at herself in the mirror, she really scrutinized herself down to the bone. she'd always been naturally slender, thanks to her mother's bloodline, but she had the natural curves of any woman. her brow furrowed and her heart raced too quickly as her hand brushed down her abdomen, feeling for the evidence of the former detective's words. there was a natural curve from her belly button outward, but it was hardly noticeable even to her. perhaps it was just the shape of her body? all women had a slight curve around their belly; no one had a perfect washboard stomach, did they? glancing upward, her fingers still lingering near her waist, her eyes took in the sight of her breasts. this was where scout's words began ringing in her ears, making her feel dizzy. thinking of how her shirts had begun feeling tight over her boobs, and how she'd had to go shopping for a dress for tonight because she couldn't zip any of the ones she owned over the last three inches at the top of their zippers, she swallowed heavily. in the mirror, wearing nothing but a bra and underwear, she could see how big her boobs had gotten. it was obvious, and she was mildly surprised she hadn't noticed before. but she hadn't been looking. she hadn't wanted to look. how long has it been since your last period? scout had asked her, stopping nixon from killing her as realization dawned over her. sloan didn't honestly know, but she'd missed them before. it wasn't a huge deal. stress could do that to a woman, and she'd had plenty of stress since she'd been raped. the blood ran from her face at the memory, and she visibly gripped the countertop as she looked at her pale, frightened face in the mirror. how long ago was that? she'd spent three months with nixon in ghana, kidnapping him and leaving immediately after she'd been assaulted at that masquerade party. "no..." she croaked, shaking her head weakly at her reflection. "no..." she repeated with a bit more gusto. but that man hadn't been the only man she'd been with. there was saxton before that. it hadn't been long before the masquerade, so soon before in fact that they were really only a week or so apart. scout was right. she hadn't had a period the entire time she was in africa, and she hadn't had one since before she'd slept with saxton in an attempt at closure for them both. sloan was pregnant. hanging her head, she breathed a shaky breath and almost started to cry. she couldn't be pregnant. she was sloan targaryen. she loved no one, and no one loved her. even her own parents didn't give a shit what she was doing as they traveled the world in their glorified rv. she needed no one, she'd told herself time and time again. she could not be a mother. she would get fat - fatter than she already was - and her body would never be the same again. then there was the pain. she couldn't give birth. the pain the night rowen had slammed her against the wall was almost more than she'd been able to bare, but she'd borne it with her internal strength. but if she was pregnant, not to mention if it was rowen's, she couldn't handle it. she just couldn't. something had to be done. hastening into the living area, her eyes beginning to glaze over as the reality that she was pregnant began to set in, she pulled her dress on and zipped it up. fluffing her hair so it fell in the brushed back waves around her face and shoulders, she straightened her choker necklace and her skirt and departed the room with an impassive look on her face. she was completely set to throw herself off the ship, but that would endanger her life as well as the baby she now carried within her, and she was selfish enough not to. that was her problem: she was selfish. she didn't want a child to destroy her perfect body or to give her mood swings. she didn't want to have something completely devoted to her. she couldn't handle anyone loving her unconditionally. since throwing herself overboard wasn't an option, she knew what her only course of action could be. saxton hated her. he had turned his back on her and set her aside permanently, but she refused to relinquish fatherhood to the man who had raped her. if she had to choose between the two of them, she would choose saxton. she wouldn't keep the child, but since she couldn't escape the seaboard vessel, she had to tell him. she had no idea how she was going to do such a thing, but she had to. then she could throw herself down the stairs or something. stalking mindlessly through the crowds on the deck, she pushed people aside and ignored them as she searched for him. he was here, she knew it. he had to be. everyone was here. although he hated this sort of thing, perhaps it was his detail tonight. she could only hope. finally, after searching for what felt like forever, she saw him standing outside leaning against the railing of the boat. the proximity to the water was so tempting - she could step right off and maybe this horror would all be over - but she resisted. only his presence kept her from leaping over - and a mixture of her overpowering self-preservation - but she would never admit as much to him. her hand instinctively gripped his sleeve before she snatched it back, uncomfortable having him in her personal space. this could possibly be the man who had gotten her pregnant, a man who had basically admitted he still loved her the last time she'd seen him, and then banished her from his life. she had traveled to africa, stolen millions of dollars worth of illegal money, and attempted murder since she'd been with him. in some ways, the distance between them was as massive a chasm as it had been when she'd walked out on him two years before. she'd gotten more bitter this time - because deep down, she didn't want him to reject her although she wasn't able to put her finger on that emotion - and she'd tried to kill nixon grey because of it. whether saxton hated her or not, she had to tell him the truth before she got rid of the child. it could be the child of a rapist, and she certainly couldn't live with that. "we need to talk," she stated flatly, the emotion gone from her voice, and her eyes glazed over to protect herself from the whirling fears swirling wildly in the pit of her stomach. those feelings combined with the ever-so-gentle rocking of the massive ship made her want to puke over the side of the ship, but she steadied herself on the railing and stared emotionlessly at him. "saxton, i..." she swallowed heavily, almost unable to continue. gathering her courage and summoning her tongue, she stared him down as she finished, "i'm pregnant." WORDS (SOMETHIN) CLOTHES (HERE) NOTES (MY POOR BABYYY)

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[SAXTON WESLEY POND]

[atrb=border,0,true][bg=0b0b0b][atrb=style, padding: 10px][atrb=cellpadding,0,true] [/style][style=overflow: auto; background-color: 1c1c1c; float: right; margin-left: 10px; width: 250px; height: 400px; border-top: 12px solid #9a2e38; border-bottom: 12px solid #9a2e38; line-height: 9px][style=padding: 5px; font-family: Trebuchet MS; text-align: justify; ] That evening where he closed off his emotions for good, he didn't fall asleep until he knew she was gone, out of his apartment and his life for good. It was bitter and stinging wound, but he knew he could get through the pain like he had before. This time, he wasn't leaving where he landed, he was staying put. If anything, because Sloan was a self-acclaimed and very apparent wandering soul, she had no reason to stay in Boston. She could go anywhere in the world and be content, but Saxton was and would never be like that at all. Saxton was a creature of habit and he needed the familiarization of a city he knew. If he left Boston, he would return to London, because he knew the city and that's where he felt comfortable. It took him months to get comfortable in Boston, and he enjoyed their lilt, beer and baseball. He refused to do any running at all, because he wasn't the one who sought the other out. Whether or not Sloan wanted to admit it, she searched for him and found him. Now finally they both had that painful closure they wanted and no matter how raw the wound was, he would endure the pain to keep himself away. He took it to the level of admitting that he had feelings, but Sloan denied him even if he felt that her body felt something for him as well. She was scared, that's all he could sum it up to. While being scared hindered her, he addressed his worst fear and got what the worst had to offer. No one wanted to feel the sting of rejection but it just happened. It happened to Saxton and he accepted the pain and trudged through it. The pain in his heart of the realization that he was ultimately, a very boring man, bothered him each day from that night. He indulged in activities that weren't normally something he would do in an effort to change. Yet when he tried to do that, he didn't feel like himself. It was a catch 22 and he felt as if he was compromising who he was to fit in with a crowd of people that he had no desire to be a part of. He attempted speed dating, but the women didn't take it as seriously as almost all of the men did. He wasn't there for a quick fix to a dry spell, he legitimately wanted a companion. None of the women there were anything that he really felt an attraction to consider such frivolous actions as a one night stand. With frustrations abound, all his attempts ended in vain. Never the man to give up, it was uncharacteristic of Saxton to wave the white flag. He had been told, in the past, that if he stopped looking for love that it would find him. So that is exactly what he did: he stopped looking. Instead of looking for love, Saxton strengthened relationships with coworkers and became friends with others in the station. Slowly, he opened up from his hard ass ways and found some of the men in the department to be enjoyable at bars and watching baseball games. It was a first for Saxton, to have a handful male friends, but it all seemed to work out. Each Wednesday night the crew would walk to the pub and have a few beers and chat. Saxton's sense of humor was well received. They spent a few hours before heading to their respective homes and for Saxton, this was all he needed to feel comfortable with himself again. He wouldn't compromise himself for any woman or man, he just couldn't do something like that to himself. With Sloan, when he was her partner, he never changed anything about himself for her. He grew as a person alongside her, but he didn't have to change for her. She took him as he was, all the weird quirks and all, and that was what he wanted with another woman. He didn't want to believe that Sloan was it, that she was his forever girl. Straightening his tie then the cuffs of his new suit, he set out to board this casino boat. The station knew before boarding that their serial killer would most likely strike again. He was having too much fun killing the women of Boston that he profiled based on their looks and financial standing. Saxton wasn't one of the men in charge of taking this man down, he was just to patrol and keep the peace. He could accept that, and he didn't seem to mind. The woman who was responsible for holding this event was so incredibly boring when it came to her police file. She had nothing on her, so as far as the police knew she was just throwing a party. Her father and her older brother had a bit on them, but nothing that would raise an eyebrow. It was going good, this event, Saxton didn't indulge in the liquor or gambling. Although the swing band was exceptionally wonderful to listen to, he slipped outside for air. He hadn't noticed she was there or even seen a glimpse of her until she was there right in front of him. She touched his arm and then reeled back, but his eyes were an icy glare as he watched her. He didn't want any part of whatever bullshit this woman had to say to him. Hadn't she done enough harm as it were by him? His jaw clenched, but she started to speak and he assumed it was only proper that he listen. Her words took him back, he didn't see this coming at all and judging by how she was acting, she either didn't know for sure or she just found out. He believed her, easily, because she wouldn't have a reason to lie to him about a pregnancy. Sloan was a cruel woman, but she couldn't be that cruel. "Are you, really? Or are you just late? Do you have a test to prove it or are you just telling yourself you are because you're late? Or do you not know and this is your cry for help because you're too scared to go to the doctors alone? Look, Sloan, you made how you feel clear and so did I. I don't know how many men you've slept with so quite frankly this all seems like it shouldn't be any of my business." [/style]

[style=padding: 5px; margin-top: -15px; border-top: 0px solid #4d4d4d]words: enough tagged: sloan notes: sorry it took so long

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table made by MADAME MARIANNA of CAUTION 2.0

[SLOAN ANISE TARGARYEN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; height: 500px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdjok1I9U51qd213qo1_500.jpg); border: 0px solid #414141;] Whoever said that beauty’s on the inside is a liar she could still see scout's sympathetic look as the blond leaned over her, recognizing the signs before sloan ever had. she'd slept with plenty of men, and she'd taken the appropriate measures of protection. she was always careful because she cared more about her body than she did any of the men she slept with, and she wouldn't ruin that. but with saxton, she'd been reckless. she had wanted him. she'd given in to her lusts in a very demonstrative way, and she hadn't thought twice about protection. it was an in-the-moment action, not premeditated in any way. since she hadn't planned ahead, she hadn't thought about it until it was too late, and she honestly hadn't thought about it until now. then, there was rowen. for obvious reasons he was a suspect in all of this. even if she hated to admit it, she must. the instances were too close together in timing, and all she could hope was for the lesser evil of the two. she didn't want to be pregnant, but since she was, she wanted the child to at least be half human. who knew what demon would spawn from rowen and her combined. she shivered at the thought. all of the clues clicked together and made sense once scout put words to them. the hot flashes in ghana - more extreme than just summer temperatures - the bloating, the soreness, the exhaustion, the insatiable hunger: it all had an answer. she was pregnant, but she was not a mother. she never would be, she vowed to herself. she couldn't be a mother. she could only take care of herself, could only care for herself. she couldn't even care for saxton, and he loved her, or he had once. her ability to feel outgoing emotions was broken. she was a defective model, and she refused to allow a child created from her to live. there was the option of adoption, but she didn't accept it. that would mean the offspring would exist somewhere out there, and she couldn't bare the thought of it. no, it had to go, but she couldn't hurt herself to do it. she was a selfish bitch that's what she was. sloan didn't want to tell him. she saw the hatred, the coldness, in his eyes as he turned to recognize her. he hated her as much as she hated herself. that was the key to it all, really. she hated herself. she hated that she couldn't settle. she hated that she couldn't love. she hated that she'd almost killed nixon, and what she hated most was that she had broken saxton's heart. but realizing those facts about herself didn't make her a better person. she considered herself irredeemable, so she was. you are what you think you are. staring fearfully into his eyes, she admitted she was pregnant. the words were harder to hear out loud than they were to think, and she leaned on the railing for support. then his response hit her, his words spilling out the same way they had the last night she'd seen him, and her eyes hardened as she heard his accusations. "three fucking months late, asshole," she snapped at him, clenching her fist at her side. the sudden mood swing made her feel dizzy and nauseous, and she looked away, disgusted. "trust me, i don't want to be pregnant. i wouldn't just make up some shit because i wanted to see you. i don't want this... thing!" she almost screamed, motioning toward her abdomen. she felt heavy and thick, the form growing inside her feeling like a weight carrying her downward. she needed to rid herself of it all. when he commented that he had no idea how many men she'd slept with, her mood shifted once more, and she lashed out at him, slapping him across his face. her brown eyes flashed dangerously as she backed away from him, not wanting to be close to him. "fuck you, saxton. fuck you. you're the only man i've been with since my last period, other than..." she swallowed and steeled herself as she looked at him. "you already know who." brushing angrily past him, she stalked off toward the back of the boat. even if she wasn't going to throw herself overboard, she didn't want to be on this blasted thing any longer. maybe there was a lifeboat she could steal or something. she was surprised by how angry his words had made her. before, she would have brushed off what he said with a smirk and it wouldn't have ruffled her, now she actually felt the pain of having her feelings hurt. suddenly, she realized she couldn't just let it go and walk away. she felt some need to explain herself, for reasons she didn't understand. stopping abruptly, she spun and realized she hadn't moved as far past him as she thought she had. as she turned, she came face-to-face with him, almost running straight against his chest as her eyes were naturally drawn upward into his face. his sudden, unintentional closeness caught her off guard, and her fluctuating mood shifted once again, causing her to bring her hands up as if to protect herself. her palms flattened out, exhausted, against his chest, but she didn't push him away. her bottom lip trembled as she looked down at her hands and then back up into his handsome face. "i hate you," she remarked in a small, childlike voice as a tear brimmed in the side of her eye. she refused to cry in front of him even if she was having a mood swing and almost couldn't stop it. she hated him because he had forced her to admit there hadn't, of her own freewill, been anyone since him. she hated him because she was pregnant. she hated him because she wanted to prove herself to him when she didn't give a shit about proving herself to anyone else. and she hated him because she felt her chest flutter and flip flop when she looked at him, and she knew she was falling in love with him. she hated all of it because she couldn't control any of it. she was impotent against him, and she despised that. he was becoming her weakness, and she hated weakness. "i don't want it to be his," she whispered spontaneously, her eyes full of fear as she looked back up at him. she knew he would understand that she meant rowen, that she didn't want to have the child of a serial killer. she didn't want to have a child at all, but she especially didn't want to have a child with a man who had raped her. the thought that that would become her horrible reality scared her far deeper than anything had scared her before. WORDS (SOMETHIN) CLOTHES (HERE) NOTES (MY POOR BABYYY)

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[SAXTON WESLEY POND]

[atrb=border,0,true][bg=0b0b0b][atrb=style, padding: 10px][atrb=cellpadding,0,true] [/style][style=overflow: auto; background-color: 1c1c1c; float: right; margin-left: 10px; width: 250px; height: 400px; border-top: 12px solid #9a2e38; border-bottom: 12px solid #9a2e38; line-height: 9px][style=padding: 5px; font-family: Trebuchet MS; text-align: justify; ] He couldn't tell if it was the rocking of the boat or the news Sloan just told him, but one of the two caused his stomach to churn it's contents, threatening to wretch. They slept together on a whim and it was filled with nothing but a primal lust, an unspoken passion for one another that went too far. He couldn't remember, his mind was racing to remember that this usually cautious man remembered the most important part of sex next to an orgasm: protection against unwanted children. He was such a careful man, he couldn't believe that he could have possibly let something that important slip his mind. Despite his exterior and the words he sprouted at Sloan, his heart imploded, it felt as if it was going to burst from the news. Maybe he was reeling just as much as she was, but he couldn't believe that there was a possibility that the child she was carrying was his. For Saxton, having his own family was akways in the plan. Of course that family was to come with a woman he adored, a wedding, the entire grand picture. Now in this moment he realized that he was going to have a family all wrong if it was his. Parents who felt emotions for each other, but could never admit it and a child that wasn't planned. Would it be raised correctly by just a father if he mother wanted nothing to do with it? Her voice formed words. Three months. She was late by three months? How could she not notice for three months? And why would a woman who did not want a child carry for this long without an abortion? His heart breaking here in this spot. Why would she tell him that she didn't want a baby that was possibly theirs if she was just going to try to rid herself of it? Saxton always believed that Sloan would have a hidden motive behind all of her words and actions. While he highly doubted that she returned to Boston just to cause him harm, he did believe that she was telling him she was pregnant for one of two reasons. While he leaned toward her telling him this news because she wanted him to feel the pain when she had the abortion or she was searching for him to comfort her. If she was searching for comfort, he was hesitant to give it and reassure her. The last time he comforted her, it went over terribly. She was getting away with intimacy and they kissed, maked out even, several times before Saxton burst. He had questions she never answered and that night she answered with rejection and the same avoidance that there always was. Except he couldn't shake her words, they stayed present along with the pain. "i don't know how to love you, saxton. i didn't know then, and i don't know now." He grunted in anger as her hand made contact with his face: saxton was not a man who lived for being slapped. He felt of all the ways to release her anger in a physical form, it was the softest, but he hated the sound of a slap across skin and the sting after. Her words shocked him, they simply blew him right off his feet and he didn't know what to do. It made him slightly happy to know he had been the only one when she was a woman that seemingly was wanted by many men. He was a bit smug, but he didn't let it show. He listened to her and he let her storm off, but there was budding concern for her reckless behavior. He for one, did want this baby if it was his. He wanted kids and if this was the only child he would ever be blessed to have than he needed to protect it even if that it meant from it's own mother. Sloan was scared, he told himself that. A baby was not something she saw in her plans and it certainly wasn't something he saw in his own. A baby stood for everything that Sloan was not. A baby stood for settling, for someone being dependent, and an unconditional love for their mother. Sloan couldn't accept and return his own love, a love that could have travelled. So how she would ever manage the love of a child was questionable. He turned to follow and she was there against his chest. The sudden proximity if her sent feelings surging through him, but the stongest sensation was the emotion that coursed through him in this moment. All he could feel was the need to protect her from the troubles of this entire situation. To calm and soothe her so that she wouldn't hurt herself or her child. She said she hated him, but his eyes were warm and reassuring. He knew that wasn't true at all. Just as she knew that he couldn't cut her out or write her off completely. There was a draw to each other and perhaps Saxton would never be free of her until the day he died. Admitting that she didn't want it to be his, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. If anyone patroling saw him with her, it could cost his job. "admittedly, i don't either. i want it to be mine. but either way, you're not getting rid of me and you are definitely not getting rid of it." his arm steered her to a spare room in the casino. it was simpke and unused. "i hate to keep you a secret, sloan, but if we're expecting we need to keep me employed." sitting down with her on the bed, he turned one leg tucking underneath the other as he held her shoulders and made her look straight into his eyes. "monday we'll do all the test to confirm it. you'll get the prenatal vitamins and then we'll do a paternity test. from there, we'll see what happens, but i don't want you to .... i want to keep the baby whether or not you stay to be it's mother or not. i want it. please, you have to think about more than just yourself here. i'm borderline begging you, don't be reckless. take it slow, be patient with me. it's a saturday night and the doctor's are in monday. can you please, please wait?" [/style]

[style=padding: 5px; margin-top: -15px; border-top: 0px solid #4d4d4d]words: enough tagged: sloan notes: sorry it took so long

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table made by MADAME MARIANNA of CAUTION 2.0

[SLOAN ANISE TARGARYEN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; height: 500px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdjok1I9U51qd213qo1_500.jpg); border: 0px solid #414141;] Whoever said that beauty’s on the inside is a liar as she turned and came face-to-face with him, her breath caught in her throat and anger roared over her. she didn't want to feel as giddy and breathless as she suddenly was. she wanted to hate him as her words promised she did, but she didn't. after all this time - after the meaningless fuck, after him turning his back on her, after her kidnapping one of the wealthiest men in boston and trying to murder him - her body wanted the closeness she had to saxton right now. the sappy side of her she would swear didn't exist, if anyone ever asked her, wanted to feel his arms around her and his lips on hers. but the more stubborn, hateful side of her wanted to break his heart. she wanted him to walk away, and she wanted to get rid of the thing inside of her that was turning her into an emotional, bloated shipwreck. her pride and vanity loved the stuck-up bitch version of herself to this weakling, sniveling to her ex-boyfriend and screaming at him in an emotional rage. she could feel his warmth looking down at her, and she refused to meet his gaze as her hands flattened out against his chest. she didn't push him away, but she didn't pull him closer either. she was stuck at an impasse between the two halves of herself, mired in a state of stasis. the idea that she would forever be stuck returning to him - whether it be three months, two years, or more - frightened and maddened her. she couldn't be free of him, and she knew she never would be. suddenly, he made the decision for her by engulfing her in his arms, and her elbows bent as her hands remained pressed against his chest when he crushed her against him. her brows drew together as she struggled not to cry and stood stiffly in his arms. when he admitted he wanted the baby to be his, her stomach swirled nauseatingly with the rush of emotions that spread through her from his words. then he went and screwed up the moment by ordering her that she wasn't getting rid of the baby. she tried to push away from him to protest, but he pulled her after him into a small room nearby where they were suddenly alone. the sound of the ocean lapping against the massive ship disappeared, and the rocking of the cruise boat seemed more defined in this small space. or perhaps that was just her wild, fluctuating emotions that were making her feel as if the world was constantly shifting like the tide on the beach. she stood stiffly as he sat on the bed, telling her she was going to be a secret. her pride flared up wildly at that comment, and her brown eyes turned hard as she glared down at him. "i have plenty of money, saxton, and it's my body. i'm not keeping the thing. do you think i care what you want?" she snapped harshly. part of her did care, but she would never let him know that. as he continued, she gritted her teeth and clenched her fist, finally huffing loudly and growling down at him. "stop telling me what to do! i hate it when you get like this. i never should have told you," she griped. she knew why she'd told him. she wanted him to know if it was his child. deep down, she wanted him to tell her exactly what he was telling her - that she couldn't harm the baby and that he wanted it - but she was so deep in denial she refused to admit it. "if you want it that bad, why don't you carry it for nine months and push a watermelon out between your legs?" she hissed. the pain scared her more than anything. she could handle morning sickness, but she hated pain. the idea of giving birth mortified her - that she would be bloated and puffy and red and sweaty and overall disgusting - and she couldn't handle it. she would rather end it now and never have to deal with that pain. "i can't... i can't do this..." she admitted, her voice returning to a tiny whisper as she sank exhaustedly to the bed, careful to keep from touching him. if she touched him again, it would devolve into what had happened the night she'd been raped, and she couldn't handle his rejection right now. "i don't want a baby... i don't want..." ...to feel this way. she'd thought it, but she wouldn't say it. she couldn't say it. whether they were going to share a bloodline or not, she couldn't say it. she couldn't admit she was falling in love with him. she hadn't loved him before, when they were partners. she'd been selfish and narcissistic then, and she'd used him solely for her own entertainment and pleasure. how that had changed into love now, after she'd become a worse person by societal standards, she didn't know. the naturally maternal shred of humanity within her, the bit of her that was like every healthy young woman that wanted to produce another life, was slowly unfurling and wanted to share this with him. but she was so inept at sharing any part of her life with anyone that she balked at the very notion. she froze up and rebelled against it all. she vowed to herself that she didn't love him. she vowed she would never love anyone more than herself, and that kept her from getting close to anyone. she was more confused than she'd ever been in her life, and she blamed it all on him. she blamed it on him for being back in her life when she'd written him off, and she blamed it on him that she was pregnant. she refused to accept the possibility that rowen could be the baby's father. falling back on the bed, she landed and stared blankly up at the ceiling, desperately trying to rein in her out-of-control mood swings. as she looked up at the ceiling, saxton's words came to her, bouncing around within her head like verbal dodgeball as she tried to run from them but never succeeded. i would have done anything for you... i loved you...i want it to be mine... her hand snaked out and grabbed his dress shirt, pulling him toward her so she was looking up in his eyes. she stared wordlessly up at him until her free hand impulsively reached up and pushed his short hair back from his face. her fingers traced down his defined cheekbone, her thumb feeling across the dip in his cleft chin. "please kiss me," she asked him, offering him the chance to make it his decision this time. it seemed like a small step, but it was a big one. she was always in control, but she was giving him a choice. she was forsaking the control, losing herself in that desire she'd felt the last night she'd spent with him. it wasn't merely lust anymore. it was something far deeper, like a low burn in her belly, something that scared her out of her mind and made her want to run until she collapsed from exhaustion, but something she could no longer avoid. WORDS (SOMETHIN) CLOTHES (HERE) NOTES (MY POOR BABYYY)

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[SAXTON WESLEY POND]

[atrb=border,0,true][bg=0b0b0b][atrb=style, padding: 10px][atrb=cellpadding,0,true] [/style][style=overflow: auto; background-color: 1c1c1c; float: right; margin-left: 10px; width: 250px; height: 400px; border-top: 12px solid #9a2e38; border-bottom: 12px solid #9a2e38; line-height: 9px][style=padding: 5px; font-family: Trebuchet MS; text-align: justify; ] He was a traditional man with all the values and morals that came along with that stereotype. He was not a man who wanted to have his first child be born out of wedlock, but it wasn't something he could feasibly fix with a woman who was hellbent with wanderlust. The idea of having a child alone was scaring all her immensely and if he was being honest with himself as well, he was scared, nervous, apprehensive, wary over the idea of in months he could be a father to a child. Those emotions surged through him, but he knew it was a matter of having Sloan keep the baby and he didn't know if he could convince a woman so firm on independent and no sort of grounding that growing and birthing a child was even a feasible option. He knew, slightly, what she could be thinking about it. While he didn't want to admit he thought she was a woman who wouldn't carry a child over losing her figure, she could be and he could understand. Some women took pride in the way they looked - pregnancy did many things to a woman but not all of glowed like the media would make it seem like they would. Some women looked miserable and they would feel miserable. Yet even with trying to sympathize with her, she ended up fueling a fire of hatred to her even more. He was trying his hardest to make it seem like she wasn't around or on his mind. Now he knew for a fact that she only came on this boat to find him and tell him knee weakening news. She could have kept it to herself and never told him and perhaps that would have been better. Her words rightly pissed him off in a fashion he couldn't explain but could explain in one word: Sloan. Only she had the power to make him feel any emotion so quickly that he would stumble in the wake of it. She came to him, bringing this news, and what was it for? If she didn't want him to act like he would take care of her, why did she ask? She knew he would take care of her and the baby if it was his and he wanted it to be his. He didn't want another woman, no matter how hard he tried to himself or what he tried to do about it. He only wanted Sloan and it had been this way for years. While he knew she never loved him before, he was cautious to believe that she didn't feel something for him. Her words, while they cut him deep, it left for a potential to learn. She could be afraid of the change, he was afraid as well, it could change what they were for better or for worse, but that was like marriage - he only wanted to date her. If she went through with this pregnancy, they would be connected for the next eighteen years of life. If she had the baby and it was his, he took sole custody of it - there would always be a piece of her in the baby, but he would raise it no matter what. He was capable of it all, supporting and loving, being the best father he could be. He would give everything to the baby just like he would give or do anything he could to be with Sloan. He loved her, he always has, and he was still in love with her even if he shut her out the last time they spoke. Feelings of love just didn't die when the closure still didn't feel like a solid closure. Because of times like this, where she walked right back to him and into his arms because she knew he was always there for her. If she wasn't looking for solace or guidance from him, than surely she was skewed. Her rebuttal to his words were hurtful and he let it show on his face. When she demanded he cease telling her what to do, he could do that, but he wasn't prepared for the pain her words would cause him. I hate it when you get like this. I never should have told you. She should have never told him that there was a possibility the child she was harboring as his own and therefore if she terminated the pregnancy he wouldn't have been in pain from it. Other woman wouldn't have told the man they slept with they were pregnant unless they wanted him to man-up in one way shape or form. Either she wanted him to accept it and be the father, or they wanted acceptance for their choice of terminating. If Sloan wanted his support for that decision, he couldn't give it to her. He told her wanted this baby, he wanted it to be his. He wanted to be a father to a child that gave him unconditional love and in return he gave it right back as he protected and raised them. He couldn't be supportive of the other option, it just wasn't within him. I never should have told you. I never should have told you. I never should have told you. A woman really knew how to hit a man's weak spot. What other things would she feel as if she never should have told him? It was too much to think about, but he sat besides her as she said the simple words, she didn't want to have a baby and by all accounts who was he to make her? He couldn't make her if she didn't want it. Maybe this child, if it was his, was made to push them together and then ultimately pull them apart. She pulled him to her, she felt his face and he watched her back with eyes that showed too much emotion that they looked at her like she was the only woman in the world. He needed to do whatever it took to convince her that he would raise the baby and he would take care of her. And if she didn't keep it, he would be there for her before and after she made that decision. This would push them together and them pull them apart. The seconds seemed like minutes and with their eyes locked, no words would benefit their gaze. All of the words could be summed up into this lock of eyes. She asked him to kiss her and that was a first in their relationship. Sloan was a woman who took and took what she wanted, she never asked. With the gentle rocking of the boat, a room to themselves, with dim lighting and the slight fragrance of sex in the air - she was doing a first for them and he would never forget this room or this day. She asked him to kiss her and he didn't want to deny her, he couldn't if he tried. He felt as if everything he could ever tell her to reassure was hinging on this kiss. He had to put forth all he had to offer through his lips. When their lips met in a passionate lock, he wouldn't relent. He kissed her as if she was the only woman in the world. He kissed her as if to tell her he would always protect her. He kissed her to convince her to keep the baby if it was his. He kissed her to tell her if it wasn't his he would support her. He kissed to tell her even if it was and she didn't want it, that he would be there for her. He kissed her because he loved for years. He kissed her because she was the only woman he was able to love. He kissed her because she hurt him all of this time, time and time again, but he never had the will to deny her. He kissed her because he was in love with her and nothing else matter. He kissed her because he didn't want it to be something he denied himself ever again. He kissed her because he wanted to date her, he wanted to propose, he wanted her to be his fiance and he wanted her to be his wife. He wanted a family wit her even if it seemed crazy and far fetched, He kissed her because he didn't want her to change anything about her. He kissed her because even if time stood still, if he ceased to be, that he, Saxton Pond, was in love with her and nothing that he went through changed that. He was in love with her. Even when he thought he was going to die, from drowning in frigid waters, his soul wanted to be with her, wanted to her and himself that he loved her. He was in love with her and nothing changed that or would ever change it. Even if she broke his heart and didn't keep a baby that could possibly be his, he would still love her and he would wait for the rest of his life to hear her say it back. Even if they never found each other and they were never together. Pulling apart of a lock of tongue, he watched her and kiss her nose and then her forehead, another kiss to her lips. It broke his heart to think about, but ultimately he had to tell her what she wanted to hear. "Sloan, I love you with all of my heart and nothing you ever do or say or choose to do will shake it. I want this baby to be mine and I want to be a father to it if you choose to keep it. If it is or isn't mine and you choose to go about terminating this pregnancy, I'll still be here for you. I know I'm an overbearing and protective ass, but I love you and you just need to know that I do. Even if you can't return it or it's not the same, I'll still be in love with you. I just..." He kissed her sweet spot and nuzzled his head underneath her jaw, just feeling the closeness of her, "I love you, I love you, I love you." [/style]

[style=padding: 5px; margin-top: -15px; border-top: 0px solid #4d4d4d]words: enough tagged: sloan notes: sorry it took so long

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table made by MADAME MARIANNA of CAUTION 2.0

[SLOAN ANISE TARGARYEN]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 500px; height: 500px; background-image: url(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdjok1I9U51qd213qo1_500.jpg); border: 0px solid #414141;] Whoever said that beauty’s on the inside is a liar she had no idea what she was feeling. she was feeling so many things at once, it was all a jumbled mess and she couldn't make sense of any of it. but the overarching feeling through it all was her desire to just kiss him again. it was stupid and silly and she hated herself for it, but she wanted it. all she'd wanted to do the last time she'd been with him was kiss him and have him hold her, and all of those sappy, stupid things people do. she couldn't admit to herself that she loved saxton because she honestly believed she was incapable of loving someone - anyone - more than herself. when he relented and kissed her, making his own decision to meet her, her eyebrows raised as she pressed back against him in the kiss. so many feelings flushed through her as their lips met, and she felt his urgency in that touch. he was telling her too much for her mind to comprehend, and she melted in to the kiss in a way she never had. her hands timidly slid up his arms, going to the base of his neck before sliding up into his brown hair. twisting his short-cropped hair in her hands, she moaned softly against his mouth, her lips parting to accept his tongue into her mouth. the familiarity of him wasn't adverse for once, and she accepted it as she had the night she'd been raped. he was becoming the only constant in her life, and despite how vehemently her spirit bucked away the idea, she couldn't fight it. he was the only thing that remained with her, when even her own parents did not. if she was going to give birth to his child, then he would stick with her much longer than just tonight or some other night. the thought petrified her, and her eyes flickered open briefly in panic. but there he was again, taking a breath and kissing her nose, her forehead, and then her lips again. when he pulled away, she was ready to flee again, her blood singing and telling her to go. she was trapped. she was on a boat, and she was stuck with this man who she couldn't rid from her life. it all scared her, and she felt very claustrophobic, but his arms wrapped around her and prevented her from moving. her cheeks flushed from the kiss and her claustrophobia, and only his voice kept her sane. her chocolaty brown eyes were wild as she looked at him, the look of a wild horse in her eyes as she slowly began to focus on him as he spoke to her. it was like pulling a rabid beast back from the edge, and she slowly inched toward him emotionally as he confessed everything to her. he would stay with her even if rid herself of his child, even if she kept it. he whispered that he loved her, and her chest constricted, but not in a bad way. it surprised her that it was a positive reaction, and she sucked in a breath as his nose skimmed the underneath of her jaw. her eyes rolled back in her head as his hot breath crested on her neck and his lips graced her skin ever so softly. the last time he'd spoken of love, he spoke of it in the past tense, but this time he meant it, and he meant it now. present tense. here, and now. her fingers dug into the sleeves of his jacket as he whispered three times that he loved her against the crest of her neck. he kissed her jugular vein, and it was all so erotic, she moaned involuntarily at the feel of it. a flash of defiance, a challenging side of her that was ever-present, reared its head, and she gripped his wrist tightly, pushing him back. looking into his brown eyes, she leaned her head to the side and unzipped her dress, rising as she zipped it down her back and it fell away from her shoulders. standing once the dress began to fall away, the fabric glided off of her legs and puddled on the floor as she stepped out of it, wearing nothing but her underwear and the choker necklace against the nape of her neck. now that she knew it was true that she was pregnant, she could feel the weight around her waist. she glanced down unconsciously. her stomach curved out gently from her belly button down, but it was so gradual even she hardly noticed. she didn't know much about pregnancy, but she knew enough to know she must be carrying the baby very far in. perhaps that explained her morning sickness. the little twirp was already restricting her proper eating habits and taking up all the space for itself. go figure. her offspring was as selfish as she was. looking up from her belly button, she raised her eyebrows and glared down at him, testing him. she watched for his reaction before leaning over and taking his hand, placing it flat against her stomach. she was a very vain woman, very focused on looking perfect at all times. she hated the idea of losing her perfect figure perhaps more than anything. most of her wanted to run him off by showing him her growing form, to prove to herself that all men just wanted her for how she looked, but another, tiny part of her wanted him to accept her no matter what. she'd wanted that acceptance since she was a teenager and had been kidnapped and drugged to be sold into the sex trade. since that night, she'd lived to prove to herself that she belonged to no one, that her body was her temple. she had come to worship herself in a way, her narcissism overpowering any love she could have felt for anyone else. so as his palm flattened out against her stomach, she watched him and waited, patient as always. she waited for his rejection. she waited for his disgust. but most of all, she waited for his love, even though she didn't know it. suddenly, throwing off her entire plan, the strangest feeling erupted in her belly, resonating in her throat like an echo. her brows drew together in confusion, and she stared down at her stomach where his hand rested against her. her knees buckled and she sat beside him on the bed, nonplussed about the fact that she was wearing only her underwear. the sensation was too great, and when her mind was able to reason what it was, she almost had a heart attack. the baby had kicked him. her throat constricted, and she looked at him with panic in her gaze. her fingers helplessly reached for him, clinging to his suit jacket to hold on to something solid. it was all real. she had felt it. surely, he had felt it as well, but she couldn't be sure. she felt a momentary pang of maternal instinct that surprised and overwhelmed her, and she twisted to bury her face against his shoulder. she began to cry, but it was silent and her shoulders rocked gently. she refused to let him see her cry, whether it was only a mood swing or from being overwhelmed, so she kept her face against him until it passed. sniffing, she turned her face toward his neck, brushing her nose against him as she continued leaning against him. the strangest request came to her then, and she had to ask him. she would be requesting something from him for the second time tonight: another new thing for her. "will you make love to me?" she whispered, pulling back ever so slightly so she could look into his eyes. if it was possible, all of the innocence she was capable of was in her gaze as she stared up at him. she looked raw and small, unlike she'd ever been with him. only saxton could make her walls pull down like this, even for just a short time, and it scared her but she had to indulge herself. "i don't know what that feels like," she admitted in a small voice, her eyes closing slightly before flickering back open to take him in. she had been a physical person almost her entire life - since the night her life had been turned around and she'd fought to prove to herself that she owned her life and it belonged to no one else - and she expressed and communicated through physicality. asking him to show her what making love was all about was essentially asking him to show her how to love another person. how to allow him to take control and how to trust him. her hand raised to the side of his face, and she gently pulled him to face her, kissing him softly at first, tentatively. deepening the kiss, she sighed against him, hoping he would help her understand what she didn't even understand she was asking. WORDS (SOMETHIN) CLOTHES (HERE) NOTES (OHHHHH)

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[SAXTON WESLEY POND]

[atrb=border,0,true][bg=0b0b0b][atrb=style, padding: 10px][atrb=cellpadding,0,true] [/style][style=overflow: auto; background-color: 1c1c1c; float: right; margin-left: 10px; width: 250px; height: 400px; border-top: 12px solid #9a2e38; border-bottom: 12px solid #9a2e38; line-height: 9px][style=padding: 5px; font-family: Trebuchet MS; text-align: justify; ] he couldn't hide the sense of urgency that buzzed on his lips and made his tongue thick waiting for her in his mouth. he needed to show her how he felt, how he would protect her, and reassure her that no matter what she chose he would be hear for her. it was a loaded gun, a heated kiss on his end and he felt slightly guilty of how expressively forceful yet passionate his lips were. a soft moan escaped her lips and beckoned him to push forward, his tongue set out on it's own task to ravish her. this kiss was unlike one they ever shared, it was loaded with everything they had to lose and gain on the line. when he felt that it was enough, when the sounds of breathless breathing, he pulled away from her but only to openly dote on her in the best way he knew how. soft doting kisses to her nose, forehead, and ultimately her lips once more. he knew he was a man in love, but he believed it was a fact that had never changed. he told what she needed to hear rand what she wanted to hear, but none of what he said wasn't true. he would ultimately be heartbroken if she chose to terminate the pregnancy, but it wouldn't change how he felt for her. how he felt had not changed for years and whether or not they were to become parents, he doubted it would change how he felt about her now. Sloan was his first love and ultimately his only love at this point in time. it didn't mean in the foreseeable that they would be together forever or his only love, but at the moment she was his only love and she was highly important to him. all of these actions were to reassure her and to show his affections but he knew the three words, eight letters that she needed to hear from his mouth. so he told her, three times repeatedly after saying it once. if he didn't say it, he didn't feel as if she would know he meant. but everything was different this time. this baby could make or break them, and she knew that, so did he. with her grabbing his wrists, she pushed him back and she moved away from him and he felt a slight pang of fear of rejection once more. he didn't know if he could honestly handle her rejecting his affections again. this time, he told her in the present tense that he loved her and he did. there was no part of saxton that didn't want to live a life without some shape or form of sloan in it. but it threatened many things that he built for himself, but he through logic and rational thoughts to the wind when it came to her. there had to be somewhere in the world where she wasn't wanted for some crime and they would find it, live and honest living with their child. it was all a fantasy but he didn't want to think about what if she rejected him and what if she didn't want the baby. he had to believe that she would want to have this baby and she would make an honest effort to be family, but he didn't know if she would ever return his love. he stared in awe of her the roundness of her little baby belly. he didn't know he would take to his paternal instincts so quickly, but he wanted nothing more to hug her, place his hand on her stomach, and talk to this child he knew was well on it's way and growing fast. it was something miraculous, how fast a baby grew from it's point of conception. he could feel sloan watching him and his eyes looked up to her face and smiled a tentative but awful smile. he was in glee, this was utter bliss and despite his angry behavior minutes before, none of it mattered anymore. what mattered shown right there before him. there was a child growing within her and she was that much more beautiful and sexy to him. smiling more confidently, more in love, and more amazed by her. "you're absolutely as beautiful to me as you were before and maybe even more. can i feel?" he asked, feeling she would say no to him for such a question. yet she took his hand and placed it flat against her stomach. it was so hard and tight, knowing that their baby was beneath this surface within her. he smiled and looked up at her, eyes lightened and smiling brimming with utter glee. "this is so amazing... i mean... i knew it would be... but... i already feel so much love... love for you, love for the baby." as he sputtered out these words, trying to find the right way to say these things, the sudden sensation against his palm. his eyes widened at the touch and he realized just as soon as sloan realized what had happened. there against his hand, their baby kicked him and there was no doubt that this baby wasn't his. he believed in miracles and he believed in a higher power that there was no doubt that this was the sign that saxton wanted. sloan sat besides him, in just as much if not more shock than he was. saxton didn't know how to feel, but he just felt love all around them and warming them completely. their eyes connected and he saw her panic, how afraid she was and he didn't turn her away. he accepted her and embraced her as she buried her face away and her shoulders rocked gently from crying. he comforted her, but he wouldn't embarrass her as he knew her and pride was something he knew she had leaps and bounds of. he allowed her to have that time to come to terms with all that was happening around them. now it became real for them, now it became real for her. he wasn't entirely sure how long she knew she was carrying another life but he every reason to believe that it was just now it all became real for her. that now she had felt the life within her and she had more to acknowledge. there was so much they needed to do and saxton wanted to leap to start it all, but this night was far from over and they could spend the rest of it alone or separate. saxton didn't want to be alone and he didn't want to let her out of his sight. her question baffled him and he sucked in an unsteady breath at her question, she wanted to make love with him. for him to take all the emotions he put into a kiss and unleash them over her body to make her feel all these emotions intensified by intimacy. she told him she didn't know what it felt like and while he wasn't sure if he knew either what such a thing felt like, but he knew what he wanted to do. he wanted to bring her to the highest peaks, make her melt with all the sensations and he wanted her to experience it all with him and never anyone else. he didn't want to share and he told her that he loved her, he didn't assume that made her his, but that it made him hers. she pulled his face to her, but he wasn't unwilling and he met her as their lips met and moved together, his tongue found it's way to her mouth. he felt them lower as they kissed and he easily found himself above her, hovering as he kicked off shoes that would have gotten in the way. his feelings unleashed like a wild hurricane of emotion. his hand went around to unleash her breasts from her bra and he tossed it somewhere in the room. his tongue lapped and licked at her skin, sucking and at some points bringing blood to the surface. he ravished her in ways he couldn't explain, but he took his time - they had hours before this boat docked at shore. his mouth found the peaks of her fleshy mounds, swollen and larger than before, there was new found territory to cover as he pulled her nipple into his mouth giving a gentle suck as the other kneaded and massaged at the other, he coveted them, his mouth alternating between sucking each peak and in a bizarre fashion, he licked the sweet and salty sweat underneath the underside of her breast, the skin so sensitive it twitched at the sensation. his attention was all on her as he made his way down, his fingers looping through and pulling off her underwear. completely naked below him, he eased his way down slowly to where they both ultimately knew he was going. Moving forward he took the back of her knees and pressed them apart, pushing them towards her body. He lowered his head to deliver soft, gentle kisses on the inside of her thighs, while he rang his finger along ever so lightly along her slit. He continued to tease with the tip of his finger going ever so slightly into her opening while he traced his tongue lightly over her clit. Just as he felt her body start to relax he bit down hard on her engorged and throbbing clit, sucking it fiercely into his mouth, slamming two fingers inside of her. His mouth was relentless on her flesh, tasting her and sucking hard, never lessening his insult, his fingers pulled out as his mouth went down to replace it, his tongue snaking in over and over to taste was far as he could. His hands slowly grazed her skin, bring his hands back up to her swollen mounds and massaging. Was this making love? he didn't know if it was, but felt love all around him and he felt her orgasm gush against his mouth. he wanted to bring her to these great heights over and over until she was too weak to leave this bed. [/style]

[style=padding: 5px; margin-top: -15px; border-top: 0px solid #4d4d4d]words: enough tagged: sloan notes: "I wanna sex you up."

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table made by MADAME MARIANNA of CAUTION 2.0